I am more than a little bit miffed.
Much too late, I discovered that yesterday was apparently No Smoking Day here in Ireland. How the fuck am I supposed to celebrate it if they don’t tell me? I would have smoked twice as much if I had only known, but it’s too late now.
Of course yesterday was Ash Wednesday but I forgot that too. And before any non-Irish readers think we actually have a special day set aside for our self serving publicly funded fake charity, let me hasten to explain that Ash Wednesday is in fact a religious thing. It’s the day when dwindling numbers of people go to church to get a smudge of ash smeared on their foreheads. Don’t ask! It’s also the start of Lent where we are supposed to give up something pleasurable for some undefinable reason. Maybe Ash Wednesday and ASH have something in common after all?
Anyhows there was little mention of the day, but I did find one little article with an interesting headline –
Once again, they mention only cigarettes so I can only hazard a guess that I’m included in there somewhere? So I have been puffing away for the last fifty years or so, and if I calculate that a mug is around a pint [my mug is, anyway] then that’s fifty pints? That’s over six gallons!
So somehow I have six gallons of Bitumen floating around inside me. It must be in there as I never suffered from black piss, and surely trying to push tar through through the rear orifice would cause one almighty blockage? Talk about a butt-plug…
Six gallons of Bitumen would be quite handy actually. Maybe I should include Herself and make it twelve gallons which is a respectable quantity in anyone’s book. I have a good mind to order myself a ton or two of fine sharp gravel, which when mixed with the Bitumen would be brilliant for surfacing the front driveway. We Irish are famous for tarring driveways, or so I hear from abroad?
The only problem now is how to get that Bitumen out. Maybe I should sit in front of a really hot fire for a couple of hours to liquefy the stuff? I would need to reduce the viscosity somewhat so it can flow freely, then I could indeed piss it all over the gravel on the front driveway.
That would give the neighbours something to talk about?