↓
 

Twelve minus fifteen equals twelve

Head Rambles Posted on by

Yet another useless report is out.

Just about every single meeja source around the planet is screaming the amazing news –

“Life expectancy predicted to top 90 for the first time by 2030”

or slight variations thereof.  [I picked ITV purely at random out of the list]

Doubtless the feeble minded will jump in ecstasy at this joyful announcement, not realising that it cannot apply to anyone reading it.  You see, their prediction is for people born now, and it’s rather unlikely that any infant will be reading the Telegraph, or watching the BBC while it’s umbilical cord is being cut.  It’s far more likely to be hunting for mammy’s tit.

More out of idle interest than any credibility in figures that apply to an entire population and not to me as an individual, I did a little checking as to when they reckoned I was about to fall off my perch.

I found a little website that seemed to proclaim itself as an authority on the subject – Irish Health.  As I hoped, it has a life expectancy calculator.  Interestingly, it ony has two questions – what age am I now, and do I smoke.  Surely there must be more to the prediction that just smoking?  No questions about whether I have any diseases, or when my parents died?  They don’t ask anything about my current state of health such as weight, blood sugar levels or how many pints I sink a day?  Maybe I am a fanatical BASE jumper or mountain climber, but apparently they aren’t interested in my lifestyle.  No.  The only thing determining a persons longevity is whether they smoke or not.

I put in my age: 65 – 70.

Smoker?  No.  [Who the hell answers yes to a question like that?]

Life expectancy: “As a person in this age range you can expect to live for a further 12.1 years“.

That’s fair enough.  It’s only a statistical figure so it doesn’t really mean I am going to peg at precisely on that date.

But then I thought I would do the test again.  Just how incredibly damaging is smoking?

I put in my age: 65 – 70.

Smoker?  Yes.

Life expectancy: “As a person in this age range you can expect to live for a further 12.1 years“.

What the fuck?  No difference?

But then there is a little extra bit underneath: “Warning: As a smoker you will shorten your life expectancy by an average of 10 – 15 years.”

Right.  So either way they give me 12.1 years but I can also expect to subtract 10 to 15 years off that as a smoker?  So I am dead already?  Or conversely if I quit the pipe now I can gain 10 to 15 years and therefore outlive all the non-smokers?

They do give me a nice little bonus though. 

As a smoker, I get a little badge!

Skull Gif

 

 

Comments

Twelve minus fifteen equals twelve — 21 Comments

  3. Puerile doesn’t come close. Same result but a silly message and a skull and crossbones? Designed by simpletons. Jeebus, but they are scraping the barrel here.

  4. I think Leg iron did the math, the ‘if every cigarette takes 5 minutes off your life’ math, and worked out he had actually died around 1734 AD.

    This non-story was given major airtime in the German TV news this evening. It was pointed out that men are now living longer , almost certainly due to ‘healthier living’ . Surprisingly they didn’t mention smoking so i expect a researcher’s head has rolled tonight out of the News Room and down the stairs for the CRIME of having missed an opportunity to spread the word.

    My thought was that any German male having reached 90 this year survived WW2 either on the front or as a civilian  , the starvation before and after, and had almost certainly chained smoked for at least 50 years of that long life. Added to which a beer consumption in the hectoliters, a heavily pig based diet…and a German wife. 

      • es war nicht böse gemeint, infact a compliment.

        The Bestest Frau In The Whole Widest World is German and we speak it at home. I was simply referring to the fact that German girls actually like all that sex stuff. Lots of it. Energetic. Enthusiastic…..and that puts a strain on the old male ticker….and spine. And it’s not just deutsche girls, most continentals seem to be the same. Ask any Brit who has had a foreign girlfriend: once you’ve gone continental you never want to go back.

  5. I have just done the check and at the age of 79, it gives me another 7 years.So I beat my Grandfather who died at 39, my Father who went at 58 and I stand a chance of beating my Mother who lasted until she was 92.  My younger son now in his forties is predicted to get another 30 years,doesn’t seem correct somehow.

  6. Die Deutsche Hausfrau: Kinder, Küche, Kirche – und Karriere. (unless dreaded Feministen have upset the applecart since I last visited that country) I just think that German Topfen and other dishes may be a bit too fatty for the diet. More Gemüse and less Fleisch could keep the middle-aged male body in trim. Excuse me while I go to the nearest supermarket and get refrigerated quiche and canned mushy peas for today’s dinner, along with a can of Newcastle Brown – I have modest ambitions to reach 75 intact in mind and body.

    • For those who don’t know what Ger is on about: KKK or “Kinder, Küche, Kirche” means Children-Kitchen-Church and was (and is still) a common phrase in Germany to describe the ‘traditional’ German woman, indeed the whole of the 70s and 80s might be considered a revolt against the KKK ‘ideal’. Ger makes a funny by putting a 4th ‘K’ at the end: “Karriere” which means career. As a result there has been a rising number of male Germans ordering wives online. It is very common to see some 55 year old German, probably the worse for wear, who lived with his parents until he had saved enough to build a house, with some Russian or Thai girl on his arm…who is of course stunningly beautiful, almost too young to be legal, submissive and who will fulfill his every culinary and sexual wish for just long enough to claim permanent residency and alimony. Upside of which being he doesn’t need to swap her for a newer model when she reaches her Sell By date.

      • Achtung Minen! is my advice when it comes to mail-order brides. Could shorten life expectancy and lighten the bank balance.

  7. To quote Douglas Adams when Marvin had an overhaul and they said “There you go Marvin! You’ll last a lifetime now!”

    <i>”Oh God! Not another lifetime…”</i>

  8. If life expectancy is expected to top 90 in only 13 years, it won’t be the people being born now that will average 90, it will be people who are currently around 75 -80.

    Surely?

    • Going by that, by the time I reach 75 – 80 then life expectancy will have reached 100.  Visions of sitting drooling in a wheelchair at the mercy of our health service……  Must smoke more.

  9. All I know is that if I actually reach the age of 90 I’m pretty sure I won’t be enjoying it. (I know, late to the table once more but my body has been arguing with me again. Puts me off doing anything really).

Hosted by Curratech Blog Hosting
↑