I received a letter on Monday.
Or it might have been Friday. I don’t check the porch floor that often.
Anyhows it was a brown envelope and I have a little thing about them. They tend to be demanding in one way or another, usually involving my bank account and a desire by someone to deplete it.
I eventually got around to opening it. It wasn’t a demand for home tax, or water tax or even any other form of tax. It was a demand for me. Yes – it was a court summons.
Normally I just bang a summons over to Sheriff and he deals with it in some way or another [probably claiming I am insane or something] but this one was different. They want, nay demand, that I report for Jury Duty.
There are a couple of ways they could go about enticing me into court. They could extol the virtues of civic duty. They could lure me in with talk of the cut and thrust of legal argument. They could praise my high intellect and urge me to attend to give a balanced and fair judgment. They could even offer to buy me lunch.
There was none of that though.
They took the approach of threatening me with dire consequences unless I did precisely as I was told. Ignore the summons? €500. Make a false statement? €500 Fail to attend? €500. And so on and so on. Fuck that!
I pondered the matter. I suppose it could be fun. I fancy myself swaying the rest of the jury into convicting some bloke because I didn’t like the look of him. It would also be an endless supply of material to scribble up here? But then I looked at the other side of the coin. They go to great pains to state that there is sweet fuck all in it for me. I even have to pay my own parking expenses! I repeat – fuck that!
Then I read through the small print. Apparently there is a clause – Persons Excusable as of Right. And under that in even smaller print is the list of honoraries who fit into this category. Apparently if I’m a lighthouse keeper, I’m grand. Priests get off too [who the fuck would trust a priest on a jury anyway?]. Ships captains are on the list which is fair enough – I doubt Caribbean cruise passengers would be too pleased if the ship had to suddenly dash home to port so the captain can appear in court?
But then I found it.
Anyone over the age of 65.
Oh the joys of growing old!