Get out of jail free
I received a letter on Monday.
Or it might have been Friday. I don’t check the porch floor that often.
Anyhows it was a brown envelope and I have a little thing about them. They tend to be demanding in one way or another, usually involving my bank account and a desire by someone to deplete it.
I eventually got around to opening it. It wasn’t a demand for home tax, or water tax or even any other form of tax. It was a demand for me. Yes – it was a court summons.
Normally I just bang a summons over to Sheriff and he deals with it in some way or another [probably claiming I am insane or something] but this one was different. They want, nay demand, that I report for Jury Duty.
There are a couple of ways they could go about enticing me into court. They could extol the virtues of civic duty. They could lure me in with talk of the cut and thrust of legal argument. They could praise my high intellect and urge me to attend to give a balanced and fair judgment. They could even offer to buy me lunch.
There was none of that though.
They took the approach of threatening me with dire consequences unless I did precisely as I was told. Ignore the summons? €500. Make a false statement? €500 Fail to attend? €500. And so on and so on. Fuck that!
I pondered the matter. I suppose it could be fun. I fancy myself swaying the rest of the jury into convicting some bloke because I didn’t like the look of him. It would also be an endless supply of material to scribble up here? But then I looked at the other side of the coin. They go to great pains to state that there is sweet fuck all in it for me. I even have to pay my own parking expenses! I repeat – fuck that!
Then I read through the small print. Apparently there is a clause – Persons Excusable as of Right. And under that in even smaller print is the list of honoraries who fit into this category. Apparently if I’m a lighthouse keeper, I’m grand. Priests get off too [who the fuck would trust a priest on a jury anyway?]. Ships captains are on the list which is fair enough – I doubt Caribbean cruise passengers would be too pleased if the ship had to suddenly dash home to port so the captain can appear in court?
But then I found it.
Anyone over the age of 65.
Oh the joys of growing old!
Ha! If I were you I’d write to my gubermint representative in the strongest terms to complain about whichever dept wasted the postage on your letter through lack of research and therefore incompetance and demand the individual responsible (if you can actually find someone to take responsibility mind!) is put in the stocks for a week as an example.
Give the person a trial by jury [on condition that I’m on that jury]. What’s the betting I’ll get more demands in the years to come?
Ah Grandad, but wouldn’t you love to serve personally on a jury in Wicklow hearing a case where somebody with technical skills is accused of trying to grow tobacco illegally in Avoca valley?
Someone growing tobacco in Avoca? Wow! Do you have their address? It’s only around the corner from here.
The Gardai haven’t come upon them yet. Lucky blighters.
Your reaction is the same as mine. Why can’t they ask nicely, good manners cost nothing. I don’t have your get-out clause… yet. But well spotted!
Crippled Son got called to Jury Service recently (and i made sure i explained to him at length and in words of one silly-ball or less that he was NOT to Tweet/Fecesbook or even talk about anything during the trial). A case involving a follower of the Religion Of Peace, more i won’t say. This is Crippled Son who has a large, visible, barbed wire Star of David tattooed on his hand. I have a feeling the Defence Lawyer might have been a bit inexperienced…..
(no we’re not Jewish ‘alveady’ -as me Ol’ Dad would say- but Crippled Son is heavily into that Israeli martial art, he’s even off to train with automatic weapons in Serbia if they can adapt the firing range for his wheelchair…apparently the spastic segment of the weapons training market is still in it’s infancy. Surely a market opportunity for a canny investor? )
You could always turn up, and if you get to voir dire, indicate (though, I believe, not outright state) that you are aware about Jury Nullification – that would probably disclude you from both your current predicament, and may possibly remove yourself from further invitations to the circus.
Of course, if you’ve read up on Jury Nullification, and proceed to carry on and not state it, with a view to enacting it should the occasion present itself to do so, you could find yourself up for perjury..
Fun and games in the legal system 🙂
So they know your name and address, that you are on the electoral roll register and that you are eligible by dint of nationality, lack of criminal record and not being known as a terrorist (and probably lots more besides), but they don’t know how fucking old you are?
Words fail me…
I had an invitation onto a jury once, never got back to me, my late Dad did serve on one, and to his dying day never told any of us what it was about. One week my boss was gone for a while, he had been serving on a jury, and fully regaled everyone within earshot it was for an armed robbery case.
I wish I had grassed the cunt up to the PF office back then…
I have never done it as I’m exempt. Was under one rule, now under another. Oh frabjous day.
Having a criminal record is on the list of exemptions too.
Which is odd, don’t you think? You would have specialist knowledge…
That poses me an interesting conundrum. Assuming i ever renounced all my principles and went on the Electoral Role. I have a record in Germany but not in the UK….and i know from past experience I can’t produce any proof of said record because, shockingly for the Germans, the court has lost all my files…in both surnames….oops.
You lucky bugger. I’ve always wanted to be on a jury
I’ve always wanted to be on a jury
ah but that’s only because you fancy Louis Walsh or Sharon Osbourne. 😛
Eeeww!
That is fucking disgusting!
It’s what comes of living among the sheep shaggers and sister-worriers of Norfolk . You know you’ve lived north of Norwich too long when Sharon Osbourne starts to look attractive simply because she’s female …..and human…i think.
Jayzus but if I was stuck on a desert island with LW, SO and a goat, I would think that billy would be highly attractive.
If I was stuck on a desert island, I think I would just eat all three. It’s about survival, you know
[quote] I think I would just eat all three [/quote]
Now there’s a mental image that will require mind bleach, even after a decade in Norfolk!
That said, I’m about to sit down and try writing a short Easter story for Leggy…set in the deep dark pine forests of very rural Germany…very very rural.
The Black Forest?