Hello! Is this the right number for Big Tobacco?
Er, you have reached the offices of Philip Morris and we do manufacture tobacco products. Who is this?
This is Tobacco Control Industry here and we have a few demands.
Is this a wind up?
No. First of all, we insist that you support governments in their efforts to make smoking unaffordable so that people are forced to stop buying your product.
You’re kidding! Right?
No. Next we want you to make your packaging as unattractive as possible so people will stop buying it. We will supply our carefully crafted images and tell you exactly what you can print.
But people won’t be able to see their favourite brand on the shelves…….
Wait! Stop interrupting. We haven’t finished yet. You are to stop suing us in court. We must have free rein to dictate your business.
And we insist that you tell people that your products are disgusting and are killing children.
Hold on now….!
We want you to stop arguing and we want you to encourage laws and regulations that will put you out of business.
Is this Candid Camera?
We want you to inform the world how you fill cigarettes with battery acid, embalmed bodies and rat droppings.
But we don’t….
And finally we insist that your company joins our industry in a comprehensive attack on your products to help us put you out of business for good.
But that is illogical and financial suicide!