I don’t know why but the National Car Test really winds me up.
It’s an annual circus that hits me around February and it involves a fair bit of jiggling around with the calendar.
You see, the cunts in the NCT centres test for just about everything imaginable and each year they seem to throw in more and more items that will doom my vehicle to failure. The fuckers even want me to wash the underside of the car. How the fuck am I supposed to do that without an inspection pit and a pressure washer?
Anyhows, I usually forestall the NCT’s efforts by getting Spanner to give it the once over beforehand. If anyone knows how to tweak a car to pass all those insane tests, then Spanner does. I swear he taught VW how to fiddle their emissions tests.
But before I let loose Spanner on my trusty steed I have to clean out the inside first as otherwise he’ll do it and charge me a fair belt for the privilege. The car has to be almost spotless before the delicate little fairies in the NCT will go near it, and that includes dog hairs. I had a stand up row with them one year because they complained there were too many dog hairs and they only tested it after I challenged them to explain how a few hairs made the car unroadworthy.
And here is where I have my problem.
The car is due to be tested by the 11th of next month. I haven’t booked it in yet as I had to find out when Spanner was available. I can’t book him too late or I’ll miss my NCT spot and if I book him too early the car will probably have developed some little niggle by the test date, and definitely the dog will have plastered the seats with hairs again. And there is also the small point that I don’t know how long he’ll keep the car.
So I have booked Spanner for next week which means I have to clean out the car first. If I clean it too early I have the problem of Penny furring up the place again so I have to leave it as late as possible. Our Penny can generate unbelievable amounts of hairs in an incredibly short time. I reckon she sheds around twice her volume every week, and that’s not even in the moulting season.
But the weather forecast implied that our weather was going to be a tad iffy by the weekend so I have to clean out the car today. Not a job I relish.
I should have the car clean by tonight, or Saturday by the latest [there is one heck of a load of hairs to shift], and then Spanner is welcome to it. As soon as he returns it I can book the test. And then I will have a happy hour ahead of me at the test centre standing outside in the wind while I wait and they try to find any petty fault they can think of [why are industrial estates always cold and windy?].
It’s no wonder I hate the NCT!