The word we dare not mention
What the fuck is this obsession with cancer?
There are a million ways to die and, sad to say we will all succumb to one of them sooner or later.
But the one we mustn’t die from under any circumstances is apparently cancer. To listen to them, you would swear it is the only cause of death and anything that poses the slightest possibility of a potentially remote risk must be banned.
My understanding of cancer is possibly a bit simplistic, but I see it being caused by a faulty replication thing. The cells in our bodies are constantly being replaced and the new cells get their programming information from the old cells. It’s a bit like copying a computer programme onto new floppy disks every year or so – sooner or later an error will occur in the copying process and that error will in turn will become part of the programme which is then copied to the next disk. As the years roll by, those errors accumulate and sooner or later the programme will crash. In other words, the longer we live, the greater chances of something going wrong.
But the lunatics in their laboratories are obsessed by the subject. Everything it seems has to be tested in case there is a billion to one chance it may cause cancer. Their latest target of course is the humble slice of toast. Apparently mice suffered some minimal reaction or other, so toast is now, well… toast.
To go back to my analogy, what they did was take a little bit of code that looked a bit like a bit of the original programme, stuck it on a floppy disk and then put it through a food blender. When the computer crashes after this little “experiment” they proclaim they have found another cause for cancer.
Why can’t these researchers do something useful? I’m sure there are many diseases and viruses out there they could be concentrating on? Why aren’t they out researching types of water that won’t drown us? Why aren’t they inventing harmless weapons? Why aren’t they researching where all those fucking odd socks go to?
I may play it safe though.
You can’t be too careful?
From now on I’m going to boil my bread instead of toasting it.
I wouldn’t recommend boiling the bread. For starters, it’s devilish hard to get the butter and marmalade to stay on it. And you can’t pick up the mess with your fingers.
P.S. Glad you’re back. Grump away as much as you like.
Stick it on a spatula and it will be solid enough to spread on. Maybe a spoon while serving as well, just in case?
P.S. I’m not “back” as such. Just scribbling when I have a thought or two, so I may well miss a day or two or three….
Choose what you want to die from and eat accordingly.
Good idea. I want to die of old age, so from now on will only eat stuff that’s way over its sell-by date. That should work?
That must be why I still seem to be very much alive. When we moved recently, and we were emptying the food cupboards, a typical conversation would be “What’s the date on it? 2013? Oh, that’s ok to pack then. 2008? I suppose we’d better chuck it – can’t be too careful…”
Surely not even you can deny the powerful correlation between the massive rise in lung cancer during the 20th century and the invention of the mass produced sliced loaf?
As for lighter coloured toast being healthier, we at Action on Bread (ABH) know that there is no safe level of bread.
Big Bread has been adding Nicotine to its products since the 1930s in order to get its customers addicted.
This is truly a David vs Goliath battle. We, an organisation so poor we can’t afford charitable status or Government handouts, are up against the might of the multi billion dollar global bread industry.
All ABH can do is to implore politicians to think of the children. Please just do something!
You missed a line –
BREAD IS THE NEW TOBACCO
You missed another line? “This epidemic must be stopped”!
By the way, Grandad, your latest post has been appearing OK for a while now. So I guess you must have fixed whatever the problem was. Thanks, it’s a huge relief to know that I am up to date with your latest wisdom. There is nothing worse, apparently, than out of date wisdom.
As studies will indicate, everything we know for a fact today will be reversed by tomorrow. Next week they’ll discover that toast is a cure for cancer.
If it wasn’t for cancer, my daughter would be out of a career – she’s a superintendent radiographer for Macmillan.
See – you find some good in anything if you look hard enough……
All those “researchers” would be out of a job too, cluttering up the dole queues?
One of the local news channels did a report on, “The C word”. I thought geez! Using the word cunt might be a big time insult here but it’s used all the time in the UK and Ireland.
Only to find out that the C word is in fact cancer. Cripes! We’ll all get it in one form or another.
I caught a bit on an American programme the other night where someone was cussin’ and swearin’ like a trooper. Interestingly they bleeped the word ‘shit’ but ‘piss’ was fine [and yes – I can lipread]. Weird?
24 Littleworth Street
Hold on! I’m on my way……..
I was trying to say how about deep fat frying your toast that has too be the answer!
Hah! Very funny you should suggest that. Tonight on the news there was a bloke calling for the outlawing all deep fat fryers on the grounds that two people died in a house fire. They must be made illegal and withdrawn from sale because apparently we are too stupid to be trusted with them.
P.S 24 Littleworth Street ?? Is that an invite to an open house party? Do I bring my own stash?