What is wrong with you people?
I take a couple of days off and yiz all start moaning and leaving comments and sending me emails. Have you nothing better to do? When I was a nipper and made the mistake of telling the Ma I had nothing to do I’d be packed off to peel a bucket of spuds, or tidy my bedroom or hang some washing on the line or something equally tedious. I very quickly learned to be fully occupied with my own pursuits at all times, I can tell you.
Strangely enough, the fates were with me not long after posting on Thursday as my Interwebs packed up.
I had noticed that my speeds had been dropping for a while and was down to 50 megathingies from around 90. I wasn’t complaining as I considered anything above a 3 was a bonus. But then on Thursday the phone started acting up and the dial tone sounded like a raging forest fire. My Interwebs suddenly became very iffy and then packed up altogether.
I rang the company.
A very pleasant woman answered the phone. She was foreign but spoke excellent English with a lovely sexy accent. She started by complaining that she couldn’t hear me through all the crackling on the line and asked for my mobile number. She rang me back and said she assumed I was phoning to complain about a crackling noise on my phone. She was smart!
We went through all the usual rigmarole – had I fucked around with the wires, and when did it all start and had I tried rebooting the router. I assured her I had done nothing at all except reboot the router. She said she had to do some tests and would ring me back. I was about to hang up when she started talking again, telling me that she was testing connections and impedance and attenuation and stuff like that. I realised that “I’ll ring you back” was her way of saying “Hold on and I’ll be back to you”.
To cut a long story short, she announced that I had a problem on the line. This was a relief as it proved it wasn’t my Tinnitus that was causing the crackling. She somehow managed to give me back a reduced broadband [around 10 megathingies] and said the bloke would be out to check my installation within three working days. Bugger! That meant anything up to Monday.
My mobile rang at eight the following morning. Of course, by the time I realised that it was my phone that had woken me, and had rummaged around the clothes on the floor to find it, they had hung up. Then the main phone rang. By the time Herself had woken enough to reach for it [it’s on her side of the room] they had hung up again. However there was a message on mine to say that the techy-bloke was on his way and was just around the corner.
I dressed as quickly as I could [bearing in mind I was still asleep] and got to the front door just as he arrived.
He was a nice, slightly taciturn bloke. He set to work pulling cables and unscrewing things and grunting and muttering to himself. After making a right mess of the cables behind the router [or rather a different mess from the mess they had been in] he announced the fault was on the garage roof.
So he got his ladder and put on a hard hat. I asked him what the hard hat was for as the only thing above his head was a few clouds and was he afraid that a bird would drop a half ton shit on him. He muttered something rather uncomplimentary about Elf and Safety so I left him to it.
He fixed it. It was a broken wire in a junction box apparently. He gave me a new [better] junction box. I tested my Interwebs – 10 megathingies. I mentioned this. Ah, says He, I apparently have to ring “The Office” and get them to bump up my speed again.
I phoned and got on to some bloke who obviously hated Friday mornings and was pining to be back in his native African village.
After a lot of confusion where he insisted I couldn’t get more than 80 on my line and I insisted I had been getting up to 98 before. There was no telling him though. He insisted I get 80 and he was the one with the finger on the button so there was fuck all I could do about it. He gave me 80.
So my phone is now working perfectly and my Interwebs is running at nearly full speed.
I’m not complaining.
80 is still slightly better than 3 ?