The Grammar Police
There is currently a police manhunt in Kerry.
Aha, I hear you thinking, are they helping Turkish police in the hunt for the nightclub shooter? Was there a mass breakout of murderers from the local gaol? Was there a multi-million security van heist?
Well, no. The man they are seeking “fled the scene of a crash”.
So there must have been a pretty high body count to initiate a manhunt?
Well, again no. Apparently there was no one else involved. The car just crashed into a wall.
So why the manhunt?
Now this is where we get to the real crime. When the driver left the scene he [or she?] left behind an empty bottle of vodka!
I didn’t know it was a crime to have empty bottles in a car. I must confess I am heinously guilty of this crime myself as I occasionally drive down to the bottle bank myself with all Herself’s gin bottles, empty or otherwise. Though having an empty bottle in a car can sometimes be a lifesaver. Anyone who has ever been stuck in a traffic jam on the M50 with a bladder fit to burst will know the value of a piss-bottle?
But then it struck me.
There is no such thing as an empty bottle of vodka!
If a bottle is empty, then it can be an empty bottle of anything. It could have contained Holy Water [vodka?], or petrol or even piss, but whatever it used to contain, it is now empty and is therefore just an empty bottle. I presume that because there is a Smirnoff lable on the bottle that it once did indeed contain vodka, so technically it’s an empty vodka bottle, which is not only a different kettle of mushrooms but grammatically correct into the bargain.
So it must be the Grammar Police who are involved in the manhunt and not the usual Guardians of the Peace
You can read the whole story here.
But be warned – it contains an image of the Grammatically Incorrect Bottle.
Definitely Not Safe For Work.
As the schizophrenic drinker once declared – I’d prefer to have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. An empty bottle of vodka is a Freudian expression of 100% optimism – it beats by 50% the ‘half glass empty/half glass full’ state of optimism often judged when pub customers drink pints. The subeditors at Independent newspapers seem to have overlooked a significant mathematical variable. The Gardai are right to be searching for a driver who crashed his car on a public road and failed to report the accident. Insurance companies require police accident reports when considering claims. Grammarians only require grammatical punctiliousness and/or pedantry.
Ah, but who emptied the bottle? Therein lies the question. And, importantly, where is the vodka now?
Dunno about Ireland, but a single vehicle accident this side of the Irish Sea that doesn’t involve casualties is of no interest to plod. Indeed, as I discovered, a multi-vehicle incident where there were no casualties was of no interest to them either.
Although insurance companies want to be informed of incidents regardless of whether or not a claim is made – who does? Given that they will merely use it as an excuse for more banditry come renewal time.
So maybe they’re hunting for a vodka thief? I must say if I discovered an empty whiskey bottle, or even an empty bottle of whiskey I would be pretty cheesed off and would demand a manhunt to find the culprit.
And the whisky…
Stopped imbibing the whisky years ago. Only touch whiskey these days. And pints of the Black Stuff of course.
Hi GD,
100% with you on this .
It’s always struck me as strange that when your average Joe Public makes the news.(Perhaps as the result of an accident or a run in with law enforcement).He is often described as an unemployed carpenter/mechanic/shopworker.
Never could understand the reason for this,if he is unemployed what purpose or logic is fulfilled by adding information about his previous employment.
I can see this leading into another little brainfart. Stay tuned!
Well, if the absent driver is indeed the consumer of the contents of said vodka bottle, he was probably very wise to absent himself. If he can evade apprehension until the alcohol has cleared his system, then he can make up any cock and bull story (like the piss bottle, for instance) and there will be no evidence to convict him. He may get a slap on the wrist for leaving the scene of an accident, but he can claim concussion or something. Mind you, if the bottle has one of those silly plastic inserts in the neck, the piss bottle excuse won’t wash.
Off topic, but your site is still behaving itself, GD. I haven’t had a problem at all for the last couple of days.
I don’t know how many of our Boys in Blue are involved here but it’s a gigantic waste of time and money. As you say – the driver will have sobered up long ago, the bottle could have been there for ages and the only “law” involved is failure to report an accident. The only people who have suffered anything are the car owner [who presumably knows damn well who was driving] and the owners of the wall who can legitimately claim off the car owner’s insurance.
Delighted about the site! Just goes to show – if it ain’t broke, fix it.
Ah ha: “can legitimately claim off the car owner’s insurance”. No he can’t, as I pointed out above. Insurance companies insist on police accident reports and yer man didn’t report. So he only injured somebody’s garden wall, eh? Good walls make good neighbours. Broken walls can lead to broken noses. The cops are gonna be interested any which way.