A weirdness has descended upon the Manor.
The place is infested with bugs.
The first type of bug infected this site and for no apparent reason started informing all my trusted and loyal readers that they were spam and could they please fuck off. I didn’t think that was very nice, and nor did my trusted and loyal readers. I think I found the cause and have removed it and locked it in a bug-proof safe. May I offer sincere apologies on behalf of the twats who fucked up my code.
The second type of bug is even more mysterious.
For the last couple of days a fly has been annoying the hell out of Penny. Mind you, he hasn’t been endearing himself to me either as he seemed to think I was a sun and he was a planet and frequently orbited accordingly. Really fucking annoying.
This morning I glanced at the window – something that’s difficult to avoid if you want to see what the weather is like – and there were a moxy load of the little fuckers all dozily wandering around the window pane. I have no idea where they came from, but there they were.
I knew I had a can of flyspray somewhere in the lobby so I found it. We brought it back from France some years ago. It apparently kills all mouches, moustiques and guèpes but it didn’t say anything about flies. I gave it a go anyway and dosed the window pane where the flies were.
Out of idle curiosity I wondered if the can had an expiry date, as we have had it for donkey’s years. I found it – 06/2011. I’m happy to say though that my window full of flies suddenly had an expiry date of 28/11/2016. Apparently they all understood French.
Then I discovered another cloud of the little fuckers on another window so I sprayed them too. And then I found more on yet another window – this was becoming a bit farcical. Where the hell were they all coming from? At this stage I reckon I had dispatched around thirty of them in a wild morning of genocide.
But there still a few who had realised that maybe the windows weren’t the safest spot and were now flying freely. around the room. I’m not one to give in easily so I decided on some drastic action. I marched up and down the room with my finger firmly pressed on the nozzle. Nothing could escape that little cloud of death.
The room is now clear of flies. Or at least it is clear of live ones. The stench of parfumé à la citronnelle is quite overbearing.
Why do I have a sudden urge to lie flat on my back on the floor and spin violently while emitting a loud buzzing?