Running before you can walk

Pediatrician worries that some children are a little overweight.

Nah!  No one is going to read some boring old shite in the paper with that kind of title?

Obesity affecting children as young as two, warns doctor

Ah yes!  That's much better.  Mention obesity and two year olds and that is your attention grabber.  Stick in the word "warning" too to imply some imminent danger and to give the impression of a superior ranking intellect that we have to obey.  When a doctor warns, you listen.

Mind you I do have a little sympathy with the article.  Those fucking two year olds are a right pain in the hole.  Turn your back on them for two seconds and they are out of their prams and off down to McDonalds for four quarter pounders and a double helping of chips.  And this is before they can even walk properly, the sly little bastards!

That aside though, I am a little baffled.  The good doctor claims that this obesity isn't down to bad parenting and that somehow it is linked to the lack of services.  What services does she mean?  Liposuction clinics?

The article doesn't say anything really, apart from the headline.  She makes passing references to "limiting sugar and salt intake" but apart from that we are presented with the image of some kid [no age mentioned] being out of breath after a play session [no mention of what this play consisted of?  A Triathlon?].  No helpful tips about reducing our kids' imaginary obesity?  No calls for a ban on anything?  The good doctor is missing out on a trick or two here.  She's never going to get anywhere in her chosen profession unless she chastises us from an ivory tower, or calls for a total ban on something or other.

Possibly the good doctor's problem is that she is a pediatrician?  They tend to see a lot of sick kids, and if she specialises in obesity, then she is going to see a lot of fat ones.  This could well give her the impression that her victims patients are somehow typical of all kids everywhere, so I suppose we must make some allowances?

To compensate for her omissions, maybe I should impart some advice to parents who may be worried by this article?

There are many ways to keep your sprog slim, fit and healthy.  For a start, chuck the television in the skip and ban all mobile phones/computers/tablets/gizmos until at least their eighteenth birthday.  Send 'em out to play in the streets [dodging cars is a great way to keep fit].  If they complain of boredom, hire ’em out to a local farmer to shift a few tons of manure [they’ll never complain of boredom ever again].  If you happen to live near a coal mine then send ’em down the pit at the earliest possible age [any age over five is ideal] – keeps 'em fit and even brings in a few extra bob.  By all means let them attend the good doctor's clinic, but make 'em run there and back.  If all else fails there is nothing to beat introducing them to the wonderful world of anorexia and bulimia?

And don't forget to chain your two year old to his cot.

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Running before you can walk — 3 Comments

  1. Well said. Out onto the streets with them kids. Now that they are back to school it is time for those with initiative [what is that? some of them might say] to start planning seasonal orchard raids – the apples will be ripening soon, a little behind schedule because of the diminished summer sunshine. It is time for the bright sparks to go searching for chestnuts – they can climb up some branches, and they can make catapults from the elastic of discarded underwear to practise their targeting skills and shoot the biggest conkers off the top branches of the relevant trees. They can use the catapults imaginatively for other purposes in built-up areas – just don't get caught by the Gardai. If parents and teachers want to get real in discouraging child obesity they should close their ears to doctors and nutritionists and let growing kids have free rein on the streets, the hedges, the woodlands and riverbanks. Obesity is mainly caused by restricted lifestyle.

    • My first brush with The Law [the first of many!] was from an escapade to raid the best conker tree in the neighbourhood.  The only time I was allowed indoors was when it was pissing buckets out of the sky.  "Get out there, and don't come back 'til tea time!"

      Obesity is mainly caused by restricted lifestyle, which is restricted because of the groundless fears instilled by the Nanny State constantly warning of imminent kidnaps, rapes and the horrific dangers of the unprotected outdoors.  The Nannies only have themselves to blame.

    • Hear bloody hear, Ger!

      Christ, kids today haven't got a clue. Wasn't it only a few years ago that some council in UK cut down some conker trees so the cheeldren™ wouldn't come to any harm from that dangerous pursuit of conker playing? Blimey, some of the poor dears might have got a bit of conker shrapnel in the face, particularly if their opponent had indulged in some skulduggery, like soaking his prize conker in vinegar to toughen it up.

      I feel sorry for kids today. And I worry, too. How on earth are they going to develop any life skills if they don't get out there and suffer cuts and bruises in pursuit of some prize conker on a top branch or whatever? It should be mandatory that every kid should break a bone doing something stupid. How the hell else are they going to learn?

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