I received an email a few weeks ago.
It was simple enough – would I be kind enough to do an interview?
I was in a good mood at the time so I agreed, despite the fact that I invariably decline such requests. I am learning that a lot of my problems stem from agreeing to something while in a good mood, so from now on, good moods are out.
Naturally I asked what the interview was about and the answer was rather vague. It was to be about my general attitude to life and stuff I write about, which is about as vague as anyone can get.
Now I hadn't used Skype on this laptop before. On previous laptops I just slotted in my microphone and my earphones and away I went. It transpires [and I never noticed this before] that there is only one little socket. After a bit of exploring I realised that the socket combined microphone and earphones so how the fuck do I put two plugs into one socket? In the end, I used the fiddley little thing that came with my mobile phone. It worked, but the little bean things I had to stick in my ears kept falling out.
Anyhows, I got Skype working and we started the interview.
He launched straight into a piece I had scribbled about being a discriminated smoker.
The feeling I got was that I had been invited to play a game. Only when I got onto the pitch, was I told the game was soccer. OK, that's fine, but a couple of minutes later I'm told that the game is actually cricket so I have to do a rapid adjustment. Two minutes later I find myself playing rugby, followed buy American football followed by tiddlywinks. To say it was confusing was putting it very mildly.
What made things even worse was that William [the interviewer] not only knew exactly what he was going to ask next but the little sleeveen had researched each one. When I call him a sleeveen, I am being very polite; God knows why?
Things weren't helped by the hangover and the fact that the little beans kept falling out of my ear.
I got another email when I got back on Monday. I had hoped he had forgotten all about the interview and had moved on to better things, but the email informed me that he hadn't. He had published it.
However, I have done a bit of editing [if he can do it then so can I] and have removed half an hour of politicians [oh that I could do that in real life] and here is the result –