Saint Patrick's Day.
It baffles me, this weird world-wide celebration of a bloke who no one knows anything about. Why the fuck does the world go competely insane on this date and want to be Irish? On Bastille Day, no one wears a black beret and a string of onions, let alone plays a piano accordion [and in all the times I have been to France, I have never ever heard an accordion being played]? On Saint George's Day no one gives a shit about the British? Why the fuck have they picked on us?
What is this worldwide phenomenon that drives people to want to be Irish? I'm Irish and I don't feel particularly desired, and would quite happily be something else except that I probably would have to speak a different language. On second thoughts, I wouldn't want to be American – that would be going too far.
What is this business of turning things green across the world? I'm sure the vast majority will look on those landmarks and wonder why the fuck they have suddenly turned a luminous shade of puke? Are the people of Rio de Janeiro supposed to look at their statue and get an irresistible urge to pack their bags and head for Ireland? Will the Egyptians look upon the verdant Pyramids and start saying "begorrah" and "bejayzus"? I doubt it.
Then of course there is this weird and somewhat nauseating practice of wearing floppy green hats and pretending to be leprechauns. That one makes me want to vomit. What the fuck have green floppy hats and leprechauns got to do with being Irish? And what's this business of inflatable hammers?
Worst of all are the Mercans who celebrate "Saint Patty's Day" [or Saint Patti’s Day?]. Who the fuck is this Saint Patty / Patti? I can only assume that the celebrants are moronic dimwits who think they know all about Ireland and the Irish just because they have seen The Quiet Man or Ryan's Daughter. All I can do is dismiss them as being ignorant trailer trash who have about as much knowledge of Ireland as a penguin at the South Pole. Fucking idiots.
I shall spend the day doing what I normally do. Why would I do any different? I am well aware of my identity and don't particularly want to be reminded of it, though I'm not ashamed of it.
Though I might have an extra few pints tonight.