Hoping to wet myself

I had a lovely little booklet shoved through my letterbox the other day.

Irish Water Booklet

Now I'm not quite sure as to the purpose of this booklet.  By the cheery title it looks like I am supposed to organise a massive party to celebrate the impending arrival.  That "coming soon" has a breathless air of anticipation about it and strongly implies that I should cancel any further plans in case I miss the wonderful event.  And the use of "Your" is no doubt meant to make me feel all inclusive and cuddly.  My meter?  Wow!

I haven't read the booklet, but did give it a cursory skim-through.  It's the usual guff about how this is going to save gazillions of gallons of water which is a little strange as 99% of the wastage is in the distribution system and I can't see how a little meter outside my gaff is going to solve that [unless of course it is sneakily going to be measuring the primary supply main to Dublin?]. 

I presume they will knock on my door when the Great Day arrives?  They warn me that my water will have to be switched off during the installation and that I might like to switch off my central heating too.

I shall not be waiting with baited breath.  If they come, they come but it's no skin off my nose.  I'll tell them they can do whatever the fuck they like out on the lane as it has nothing to do with me, but will inform them clearly and succinctly that they are not allowed inside my gate.  Any trespass will be dealt with in the appropriate manner which may or may not but most likely will entail the involvement of ambulances or even undertakers.

They can fuck around all they like out on the lane, because the little pot they installed to house the meter is nowhere near my water supply.  I'm fairly sure I know where the supply pipe is but I am damn sure they haven't a clue as they have missed it by a mile.

It will actually be quite interesting when they install their little meter and switch on their water to test it.  All they will do is irrigate a clump of brambles beside my gate, because that's where I stuck the end of their little pipe [exactly two years ago, as it happens].

On second thoughts, I think I will cancel appointments and wait for them to come.

It would be worth it for the laugh.

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Hoping to wet myself — 5 Comments

  1. Sounds like a fun time for all. Of course this means you'll have to check every water pipe and fixture/faucet in the manor to make absolutely sure none of them leak. If any leaky ones are found you'll have to either fix or replace as a single drippy faucet can add several dollars (whatever) to your water bill. And there's always a question of having to pay for their damn water meter(?) as well as pay the charge to have it read every month/quarter/whatevertimeperiodtheyset even if they don't have to come to your home to do so. You wouldn't believe how much it costs for some drone to sit in front of a dumb terminal and read water meter readouts every month/quarter/whatevertimeperiodtheyset.

    On a personal note, here where I live, the town city has always charged a flat quarterly rate for both sewer and water. Switching over to individual (city owned) water meters always comes up every year but the opponents to such, especially the landlords of the tenements since they know damn well that the plumbing in their tenement buildings leak like a sieve, always win out. However, the city now allows home owners to install their own meters if they wish bit at a cost of around $570 a pop. Real bargain that.

    • The beauty of the whole scheme is that they are inserting their meter into a length of pipe that doesn't go anywhere.  If I'm not using it then they can hardly use it to bill me?

      If I did [in a moment of madness] agree to pay a company [with whom I have no contract] I would not only have to pay for the water but also the meter, its installation, the billion or so that it cost to set up the company and the staff.  It has been calculated that for Irish Water to merely break even they would have to charge every household a bare minimum of €1,000 per year.  Incidentally it was recently admitted that the meters that are being installed have a very limited lifetime and apparently they are all going to have to be replaced in fifteen years or less.

  2. I found this post to be very amusing, but only after first copying into an editor and switching out the word "water" with "Guinness."

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