Mobile phones are the leading cause of preventable death in the world.
Studies have shown that one third of all deaths worldwide are attributable to the use of these deadly devices.
The effects of mobile phones are beyond dispute and have proved to cause irreparable damage to the brain from microwaves. They are more addictive than heroin, causing their hapless victims to function without a mobile phone to hand at all times, even during sleep. Amongst the more serious side effects are the tendency to step out under buses while texting and causing ten car pile-ups from watching the latest X-Factor episode while driving on a motorway.
Any evidence to the contrary emanates from Big Phone and should therefore be ignored.
Research has shown that the long term effects of mobile phones leads to a reduction in intelligence and is indicated by an inability to spell and to pepper conversations with such expressions as "LOL", "Hashtag" and "OMG".
Recent studies have also discovered the phenomenon of "secondhand phoning" whereby non-phone bystanders suffer from extreme anger at having to listen to long one-sided conversations about how Jacinta has broken up with her boyfriend, the latest agenda for the lunchtime board meeting and a running commentary on where the bus or train is at any one moment. Outbreaks of anger caused by the suffering of secondhand phoning have led to the destruction of thousands of phones and account for a further estimated one million deaths per year. Laboratory studies have shown conclusively that secondhand phoning is 8,556% more dangerous than secondhand smoke [which is, after all, just a little bit of smouldering leaf].
Evidence is also emerging that the sight of people using mobile phones is leading to children taking up the habit, and there are fears that these children may use mobile phones as a gateway to "hard radiation" where they stick their heads in microwave ovens.
There was also a recent increase in mental institution admissions after owners of Apple phones became infected with the deadly U2 virus.
Professor Chumpman of some university in California has been known to mutter that "if mobile phones had been invented in the last fifty years they would have been banned outright". "We must cover the packaging of mobile phones with pictures of walnuts to show these idiots what will happen to their brains" he concluded.