Halloween really pisses me off these days.

In the Good Old Days, kids used to just throw an old sheet over their heads and then call around the houses looking for apples or nuts.  A bit of harmless fun that could easily be ignored.

Then it became Trick or Treat – a ghastly Merkanisation that crept over the Atlantic to poison our kids.  It then somehow became a time for kids to dress up as anything from Sponge Bob to Madonna or from the Incredible Hulk to Darth Vader.   And the apples and nuts were scorned in favour of mountains of sweets.  Tedious, but it gave me a chance to ply the little bastards with sugar and E numbers and send them off hyper and climbing the walls.  Serves the parents right.

Now it seems to have morphed into a sort of “scary” season.  We are all supposed to be scared, with witches, ghouls and those ubiquitous fucking zombies.

What the fuck is it with these zombies?  The kids these days seem to be obsessed with them.  What is the fascination with a mythical crowd of brain dead, soulless people who seem to be out to suck your blood?  Mind you, that’s a perfect description of our politicians so maybe the kids should all just pile down to the Dáil and have the shite scared out of them there?

Even the television channels are in on the act.  Film schedules are full of “scary” films which are far less scary than the sight of Herself without makeup on.  Magazine programmes all wiffle on about with little items to scare us, which turn out to be items that guarantee a massive yawn.  Shop windows are full of witches on broomsticks and cobwebs [though most of the latter are genuine in our village, at least].  Some shop staff even wear witches hats and the like, which does indeed scare me off entering their emporium, at least until they stop playing childish silly buggers.

As usual, I have wired the latch on the gate to the mains.  As usual I will probably get complaints from the local parents when their offspring get home half grilled.

“How can you do this to poor innocent cheeeldren” they cry.

“It’s shocking behaviour”

But shocking is what they want?

Innit?