Driving in Ireland for foreigners

Car lights and their uses in Ireland:

Indicators.  The purpose of indicators in Ireland is to indicate what you are doing, and not what you intend to do.  For example, if you intend to turn right at a crossroads you wait in the middle of the road [thereby giving the impression you are lost and may take any exit on a whim] and only when you are moving again and half-way off the crossroads do you start to indicate.

An alternative use of indicator lights is to leave them flashing at all times.  You can then claim off the insurance when some poor bastard pulls out of a side road thinking you were turning.  Either side flashing is good but nearside is preferable.

Hazard lights.  These are never ever used in a hazardous situation.  Their function is to indicate that you have parked, blocking the main road and that you have gone to buy the paper and will be back within the next half hour.  They are a free pass to park wherever the fuck you like.

Headlights.  These are to be used at all times during daylight hours.  They should preferably be adjusted to face oncoming traffic.

Dipped Headlights.  What are they?

Sidelights.  These are to be used at night instead of headlights. 

Fog lights.  These are to be used at night in conjunction with sidelights.  They should be adjusted as per headlights.  They are NEVER EVER to be used in foggy conditions.

Brake lights.  These are to be used prolifically.  Particularly at night and at junctions, keep your foot on the brake pedal to bathe the driver behind in a nice bright red glow.

Internal rooflight.  To be used solely by the driver for use at night when putting on make-up, reading the paper etc.

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Driving in Ireland for foreigners — 16 Comments

  1. You still USE indicators in Ireland? Come over to Telford, nobody knows that they exist. Besides, if you used them other drivers might have a clue what you were intending to do next.

    • "if you used them other drivers might have a clue what you were intending to do next."  But that's the point.  We don't use them for that.  We use them for telling people what we have just done.  We also use them to prevent anyone from overtaking us for the next twenty miles while we drive at 30 mph.

    • Just because you drive on the right side doesn't mean it's the right side.  Right-hand drive is preferable – leaves the right hand free for swords, pistols etc.

  2. Beep Beep: The horn on rural winding roads is used for saying hello to pedestrians in your area  or persons on a bicycle. It is customary for them to wave back, even if they don't know who the hell you are. CIA field operatives should not mistake these for secret freemason signs.

    • It's also prolifically used to announce one's arrival at someone's house because one is too fucking lazy to walk up and ring the doorbell!!!

    • In Italy the car horn is provided so that you can let the world know that you are enjoying driving your car and all is right with the world. I kid you not. Many years ago I witnessed from above in the Italian alps several lone cars driving up a road with perfect visibility making full, joyous use of their klaxons.

      • In small town Ireland a convoy of klaxon-sounding cars is used on two main occasions :-

        a) when a wedding party is proceeding from the church ceremony to the hotel reception;

        b) when, after an election, a winning candidate and supporters/cronies slowly proceed through a built-up area announcing their victory.

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