I am still waiting.

That long promised package from Irish Water still hasn’t arrived.

When it does arrive, it is my intention to write “No Contract, No Consent, Return to Sender” on it.  I shall then place it in a clear plastic envelope and post it.  The reason for the clear plastic is to protect the postal workers from the piss and other excrement that will also be enclosed.  I have nothing against postal workers.

In case you are under the false illusion that I am just a crank and a troublemaker, I am not alone in my opinion of Irish Water.  In fact I read an excellent piece by Gene Kerrigan who sums up my feelings pretty accurately.  I recommend that you read it in full.

I just had a look at the Irish Water website, and made a bee-line for their Data Protection page.  As Gene points out, Irish Water have kindly used a very light grey font on a white background which makes for a spot of squinting.  I’m just surprised they didn’t use a white font.

“Irish Water will also request Personal Public Service numbers (PPS numbers) from customers. This information will only be used to verify and validate that customers are entitled to any relevant water allowances and will only be shared with the Department of Social Protection for this verification purpose.”

For those who live abroad, a PPS number is a “Personal Public Service” number.  This is the number which apparent we are tagged by the gubmint.  You see, the gubmint doesn’t know who Grandad is.  It only knows 14875528W who resides on their database for the purposes of screwing money out of.   14875528W, as far as the gubmint is concerned, is me in my entirety.  I’m just surprised it isn’t tattooed on my arm.

But now a private company wants access to this number so they can cross check with other gubmint agencies, such as the tax people, and thus can find out all my personal financial details.  However they do promise to only share that number “with the Department of Social Protection for this verification purpose” which is reassuring?  Incidentally, please remember that as well as my PPS number they also want my address, phone number [landline and mobile], email address and banking details.

“Irish Water may share the customer’s data with agents or third parties who act on behalf of Irish Water in connection with the activities referred to above. Such agents or third parties are only permitted to use the customer’s data as instructed by Irish Water. They are also required to keep the customer’s data safe and secure.”

Hold on now…  suddenly that data which will only be used for verification is now being given to “third parties”?  They don’t say who, or for what purpose, but we are reassured that Irish Water will look after our interests?

“In some instances, Irish Water may use and retain personal data where an individual is not a customer. This is held by Irish Water solely for the purpose of verifying and validating that the individual is not receiving Water Services from Irish Water and will be retained for no longer than is necessary. Once validated, this data will not be retained by Irish Water.”

So now they want information on people who aren’t even customers?  Fucking hell…..

“Data that we collect from you may be transferred to a destination outside the European Economic Area (“EEA”). Where this is the case, Irish Water shall be responsible for ensuring that all relevant laws are complied with to secure the data. It may also be processed by staff operating outside the EEA who works for us or for one of our suppliers. Such staff maybe engaged in, among other things, the processing of your request for information and the provision of support services. By submitting data to Irish Water, the customer agrees to this transfer or processing. Irish Water will take all steps reasonably necessary to ensure that your data is treated securely.”

This goes from strength to strength.  Now they want to ship my personal and private information anywhere in the world?  Once again, they fail to mention who they have in mind.  The Russian Mafia?  Computer Hackers Inc.?  And still I am to be reassured that this information will be used with the utmost respect and confidence?  And just by returning their fucking form I am agreeing to all of this?

So to summarise, Irish Water want private and personal details about me that I wouldn’t even tell a bishop.  They promise to keep it secret and secure but will share it with God knows who under the assumption that they will keep it secret too?  And what is to stop these other unknowns passing it on to all their buddies?

They can kiss my sweet fat hairy arse.

I wish the postman would hurry up.

I’m bursting for a crap.