News of my death trickled in slowly.

Herself was the first to notice something was amiss which I suppose is only natural.

She was browsing around Farcebook [which accounts for about 99.999% of her time on the Interweb] when she piped up –

"Hey!  You removed that comment you left last night"

Now occasionally [about ten times a night] she posts pictures of cute little bunnies or fluffy kittens or pictures of old men with beards doing something rude, and I occasionally leave a comment under them because it earns me brownie points.  She had posted something the other night and I had made some soppy comment under it and now that comment had vanished.  I could see all my brownie points vanishing down the drain if I didn't fix things so I logged into Farcebook.

It wouldn't let me in.

I was persona non grata.

I was as dead as a Monty Python parrot.

Now I have little time for Farcebook and rarely visit it but some people like to use it to get notified when I scribble, and also I need to be able to earn brownie points with Herself.  However, I don't like being barred for no reason so I set about reviving myself.

I don't know if any of you have ever tried the help system in Farcebook but it is a fucking nightmare.  I swear it was designed by a twelve year old on a bad mescaline trip.  It's like one of those places where you get to the head of the queue and are promptly redirected to another queue which has nothing whatsoever to do with your problem.  Or else you get to the head of the queue and they promptly close the window for no reason.

The first method they threw at me was to show a series of pictures of my Farcebook "friends" and I had to identify them.  How the fuck was I supposed to do that?  I had loads of "friends" but I never went around memorising all their photographs so that was a non runner.  Farcebook asked me if I wanted to try an alternative method and then gave me the same option of identifying photographs of "friends", but I couldn't do that for another hour!

One of my "friends" I was supposed to identify.
Apologies to whoever it is but you drew a blank.

I went in search of another method and found a form where I could appeal.  I filled it in in its entirety and submitted it.  It refused to go on the grounds that I had omitted something but wouldn't tell me what. 

I found another form which just asked for my name, email address and comment and sent that off.  I got a reply saying I hadn't attached any files identifying myself which was not surprising as there was no facility to attach anything.

As I said, I am not a fan of Farcebook but equally it pisses me off that they are ordering me around and barring me.  Talk about bulls and red rags.

So if anyone is looking for me on Farcebook, I'm dead.  But only in their sad little world.

In the real world I'm very much alive.