Out of touch

Twitter has resorted to sending me emails.

"So much is happening right now on Twitter" they say, and they are probably right.  Equally so much is happening in my septic tank, and the sound of all those bacteria munching on my poo is probably similar to the sound of Twitter.

They keep on at me to get involved and to "build a timeline" [whatever the fuck that is].  "You'll see how quickly Twitter becomes an invaluable part of your life." they promise, the thought of which sends nasty shivers racking up my spine.  I have a life and I cannot see how Twitter could in the remotest fashion fit in with it.

To inveigle me to become more active they keep suggesting people I should "follow".  They keep suggesting the same three people too.

Twitter recommendationsI had the misfortune to experience Alan Carr the other night.  I didn't switch off after some programme on television and he was on next.  It took three large whiskeys to settle my nerves.  The man [and I use the expression loosely] has a voice like a nail on glass.  He is ghastly, and why Twitter thinks I would be remotely interested in him baffles me.

I had to look up Jack Whitehall.  I had never heard of him, but apparently he is a comedian.  I'm sorry, Jack but I ain't going to follow someone I have never heard of.  Equally you have never heard of me so feel free to ignore me too.

As for Wayne Rooney.  Wayne fucking Rooney?  I hate football and footballers.  A rabble of grossly overpaid egotists chasing a fucking lump of plastic around a field?  And Rooney is second only to Beckham in the prima donna stakes?  What little pearls of wisdom can this bloke possibly come up with to make him an invaluable part of my life?  If he was the only person who could lead me to safety in a war zone, I still wouldn't follow him.

If their three choices are anything to go by, Twitter are remarkably out of touch with reality.

But then I have been saying that all along anyway.

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Comments

Out of touch — 14 Comments

    • Welcome, Tony!  Twitter, like Facebook seems to have become an alternative universe.  People seem to live their permanently and as far as they are concerned if it isn't on Twitter, then it hasn't happened.

      Having said that, there is a temptation [once in a blue moon] to nip in and scatter a few sarcastic comments around the place?

  1. Agreed. 110%. But could you not have the senders domain added to a "blocked senders" list?

    Mind you; if you did that I wouldn't have been given the pleasure of a much needed afternoon chuckle after reading this.

    • It is on my Spam list so all their shite goes into the Spam Bin.  Unfortunately my mail program sometimes gets strange ideas as to what constitutes spam, so I have to delve in occasionally to see if there is anything important there.  Anyway, their mails are worth a chuckle or two!

  2. What would have been really weird is if Twitters algorithms had suggested you follow Conchita Wurst.

    In a similar vein to your Twatter woes…

    I avoid Tesco like the clap these days however there is still a Clubcard 'account' in existence (to cancel such at thing is it seems impossible unless you follow some extremely convoluted and irrelevant protocol which I have neither the time nor the inclination to fathom). The point is Tesco sends  'vouchers' for shit it thinks I should buy. As I no longer shop there it is crystal that their algorithm is as useless as Twatters.

    Is the rise of the useless algorithms the rise of the machines in all but name?
    That reminds me Ebay and Amazon play the same game.

    • I have noticed that about a load of retailers.  I made the mistake of buying a defibrillator for my car [one of those portable jump-start yokes] and the fuckers keep trying to sell me tents and bicycles.  Amazon are even better – on a couple of occasions they have tried to flog me stuff I had already bought off them.

    • When your fist comment came in without any off-topic links or YouTubes I thought you must have turned over a new leaf.  Thanks for reviving my faith in you!

  3. It was with some reluctance that I signed up for Twatter, but I find to my surprise that I actually rather like the format. The restriction of 140 characters behoves people to be succinct and pertinent. I find I dip into it almost every day  for a short while. There are some quite entertaining Twitterers out there. I mentioned fairly recently (maybe here, maybe elsewhere, can't remember) that I seem to have picked up quite a few followers who are God fearin', gun totin', Obama hatin', conservative / libertarian True American Patriots. Which can make for some interesting comments sometimes. Why on earth they decided to follow me I have no idea. Perhaps my name got sent to them, just like Wayne Rooney's was sent to you. Only, unlike yourself, they were fooled into thinking that anything I have to say would be of interest to them. Or anyone else, for that matter.

     

    But I also follow quite a few publications, some fairly mainstream like the Economist and Breitbart, but also other, more obscure ones in areas that interest me, like Kathimerini (a conservative Greek national broadsheet daily), Bangkok Post (obvious), The Straits Times (used to be the Singapore daily, but now covers that whole area of SE Asia), The Phom Penh Post (again, obvious) and several others. And they all tweet breaking news and articles with links, which I find can be interesting.

    So Although I don't use it very much, and like you, GD, I have no idea what 'timelines' are or how to use 'hashtags', I do actually participate a bit. It can be quite fun. Some people are just begging to be shot down in flames; some write thoughtful and thought provoking ideas; others post sometimes very funny comments / pics / vids. And some of them post meaningless witterings.

    Incidentally, digressing somewhat, I can't find my hash key. I have a Greek keyboard, and although I have it set up to change keyboard settings between Greek, UK English and Thai, I cant find the bloody hash key when it's in English mode. There's a hash mark above the 3, but when I use it, I get the £ sign. (But then I also have the @ symbol printed above the 2, but in reality it's on the other side of the keyboard. Cunning buggers, these Greeks)  Any idea where my hash key is? I think I've exhausted all the options, but I may have missed something.

    You should have followed Our Wayne, though. Just think of all his pearls of wisdom that you would have been able to share with us.! Our lives would have been immeasurably enriched.

    • Maybe I should give it another chance?  Throw in the odd f-bomb [or ten]?  I just had a look at my account and apparently I have 568 followers which is a nice number to piss off?  I haven't a clue where they all came from though.  RTERadio1?  Anxiety Ireland?  That is really fucking weird.

      Incidentally, I found you and reciprocated the "following" which presumably means there will be even more stuff to sift through…..?

      As for your keyboard problem – loads of sites out there giving layouts which may help?

      http://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/goglobal/bb964651.aspx

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/QWERTY

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