I missed the first of the Eurovision semi-finals last night.
I am gutted.
I will also deliberately miss the semi-finals tomorrow night, and will be gutted too.
I believe the finals are on this weekend and would like to take the opportunity of giving you the results in advance.
The contest will open with an entry that is instantly forgettable.
It will be followed by a series of equally forgettable screeches with an accompaniment of outlandish and outrageous images. There will be weird dances, bizarre gimmicks and stage props that will convince half the audience they are on LSD.
After a couple of hours of this torture the voting will commence and will be introduced by a presenter [or two] who will try to liven the whole thing up by cracking some jaw-clenchingly embarrassing jokes.
Ireland will give high marks to the UK who will respond with little or no votes.
Norway, Sweden, Denmark and Iceland will all vote for each other.
The main interest though will be amongst the Eastern European and Asian countries, most of which we have never heard of and not one sinner could place on a map, who will all be frantically racking up huge scores by voting for each other. Their only contenders are the Mediterranean countries who will also be voting amongst themselves.
The Irish entry [assuming it has qualified] will come in in the bottom three and we will be reminded several times of how Ireland used to win on a regular basis.
The winner will be a song that the vast majority of the public will agree didn't deserve to win. The winning singer will have hysterics and will probably cry.
By the following morning, no one will be able to tell what the song was, let alone hum it, and that will be that for another year.
Just as a matter of interest – when did Russia become part of Europe anyway?