A month ago I mentioned the strange tale of my bins.
I wrote about how I had to put the bins out on a non-bin day which confused the fuck out of the neighbours.
I thought that was the end of the matter, but a couple of weeks later I got another phone call. It was a rather chatty young lass from the bin company.
"We see from our records that you have a glass bin?"
"No" says I. "All my bins are plastic".
She sighed [she’d possibly had that one thrown at her before] and said she meant the bin for collecting glass in.
She was right. I do have three bins – a black one for the smelly shit, a green one for recycling stuff and a narrow green bin that was supposed to be for glass but which I never used. I kept the narrow bin indoors for my own purposes.
They had a rather complicated calendar where black bins were collected every week, big green bins were collected every fortnight and the skinny green bins where collected every six weeks. You could always tell the skinny green bin day because the crash of empty wine bottles could be heard for miles. And of course we all got to know exactly which houses were the secret dipsos.
They stopped the skinny bin collections some time ago and said we could stick our glass in the fat green bins and that was grand. The winos of the area must have complained that their secrets were no longer safe?
I pointed all this out to the girl on the phone.
She asked if I wanted them to take away the skinny bin seeing as I was never using it.
I said that I was quite happy to keep it as I found it useful in the house.
She thanked me cheerfully, said there was no need to scan it or chip it or whatever the fuck they wanted to do with it, and she hung up.
I got another call a week ago.
"We believe you never put your glass bin out?"
"That's right" says i. "That's what I told the girl last week".
"Fair enough" says they. "Sorry for troubling you".
I got another call yesterday.
"We believe you have a glass bin that you never put out?"
I sighed. This was really getting tedious.
I confirmed that yes, I did have a skinny bin, and no, I never put it out and no, I didn't want them to take it away.
"Ah!" says the girl. "We need to check it anyway just in case you should ever decide to put it out".
I reassured her that there was no chance I would never ever want to put the fucking thing out as I had my own uses for it which would never ever lead me to leave it out in the public gaze.
"But just in case" says she. "There is a possibility that you might put it out sometime".
"That will never happen" says I.
"We would like to scan it anyway. Could you put it out tonight please?"
Just to shut her up I agreed to put it out, even though that meant emptying it and removing all traces of its normal contents.
There was a message on my phone this morning. The bloke had come to scan my bin but couldn't find it, despite the fact that it was the only green bin sitting all on its own out on the main road. In fact it would have been the only bin for fucking miles.
I brought it in just now.
I don't know what their little game is but I ain't playing no more.
They can scan my arse.