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Doing wheelies

Head Rambles Posted on by

A month ago I mentioned the strange tale of my bins.

I wrote about how I had to put the bins out on a non-bin day which confused the fuck out of the neighbours.

I thought that was the end of the matter, but a couple of weeks later I got another phone call.  It was a rather chatty young lass from the bin company.

"We see from our records that you have a glass bin?"

"No" says I.  "All my bins are plastic".

She sighed [she’d possibly had that one thrown at her before] and said she meant the bin for collecting glass in.

She was right.  I do have three bins – a black one for the smelly shit, a green one for recycling stuff and a narrow green bin that was supposed to be for glass but which I never used.  I kept the narrow bin indoors for my own purposes.

They had a rather complicated calendar where black bins were collected every week, big green bins were collected every fortnight and the skinny green bins where collected every six weeks.  You could always tell the skinny green bin day because the crash of empty wine bottles could be heard for miles.  And of course we all got to know exactly which houses were the secret dipsos.

They stopped the skinny bin collections some time ago and said we could stick our glass in the fat green bins and that was grand.  The winos of the area must have complained that their secrets were no longer safe?

I pointed all this out to the girl on the phone.

She asked if I wanted them to take away the skinny bin seeing as I was never using it.

I said that I was quite happy to keep it as I found it useful in the house.

She thanked me cheerfully, said there was no need to scan it or chip it or whatever the fuck they wanted to do with it, and she hung up.

I got another call a week ago.

"We believe you never put your glass bin out?"

"That's right" says i.  "That's what I told the girl last week".

"Fair enough" says they.  "Sorry for troubling you".

I got another call yesterday.

"We believe you have a glass bin that you never put out?"

I sighed.  This was really getting tedious.

I confirmed that yes, I did have a skinny bin, and no, I never put it out and no, I didn't want them to take it away.

"Ah!" says the girl.  "We need to check it anyway just in case you should ever decide to put it out".

I reassured her that there was no chance I would never ever want to put the fucking thing out as I had my own uses for it which would never ever lead me to leave it out in the public gaze.

"But just in case" says she.  "There is a possibility that you might put it out sometime".

"That will never happen" says I.

"We would like to scan it anyway.  Could you put it out tonight please?"

Just to shut her up I agreed to put it out, even though that meant emptying it and removing all traces of its normal contents.

There was a message on my phone this morning.  The bloke had come to scan my bin but couldn't find it, despite the fact that it was the only green bin sitting all on its own out on the main road. In fact it would have been the only bin for fucking miles.

I brought it in just now.

I don't know what their little game is but I ain't playing no more.

They can scan my arse.

 

Comments

Doing wheelies — 16 Comments

      • "I agreed to put it out, even though that meant emptying it and removing all traces of its normal contents."

        You could always do the same with your arse but what are the chances of the blind scanner finding it?

  2. lucky for me i only have the 2 bins one for garbage and one for compost…but newspaper has to go in a plastic grocery bag and cans n bottles in a blue recycle bag. and its alternating weeks except some magical date in spring and fall when its every week for green bin and every other for black bin but every week for recycle bag and newspaper bag except days it rains and cats stand on one foot with birds making fish sounds..

    fuck it

    • My crowd have a system where they are supposed to send me a text reminding me which bins to put out on what nights.  Now I get about half a dozen fucking texts every week from them and all saying the same thing.  It would be easier to just forget about bins altogether.

  3. You could tell them next phone call that the glass bin has probably been scanned by a CIA spy satellite. Ask the phone caller to contact Edward Snowden for confirmation.

  4. Methinks it would make an excellent "You've Been Had" entry if you did remove the chip, stick it up your arse, and request they come and scan it. You wouldn't actually need to insert it, just clench your buttocks long enough for them to identify the errant device. Obviously make sure that a hidden camera was running, and use a concealed wireless microphone…

  5. "…the crash of empty wine bottles could be heard for miles.  And of course we all got to know exactly which houses were the secret dipsos."

     

    When I lived in UK, the local Tesco had a bottle bank in the car park. It was always a slight embarrassment when I went there to dispose of the bottles, as I would be carting box after box after box of empty wine bottles out of the car for disposal. Others would arrive, dump their bottles in a few moments and leave, as I was getting yet another box of empties out of the car. It got to the point where I was seriously considering going there under the cover of darkness, such were the sideways glances i was getting…

    • The trick is to have half a dozen Château Haute du Brion bottles which you wave around as you put 'em in the bin.  Then wait until no one is looking and you can take 'em out again for the next trip.

  7. Point out that as it is a glass bin, and you keep it very clean, it is in fact extremely hard to see. Then tell then you have put it out when in fact you have not, and further comment on the transparent nature of the bin.

  8. Scan your arse? Probably wouldn't work as I'm sure there's a limit to the number of wrinkles lines the scanner can process?

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