I was fast asleep this morning when the doorbell rang.
Maybe I should point out that there was someone at the door ringing the door bell. It doesn’t ring itself.
Anyhows I dragged myself out of a very deep sleep and decided to answer it. It could be important? I had a quick glance around, but no dressing gown. I decided to play The Lottery. The Lottery is where I answer the door bollok naked in the hopes of winning the jackpot of either finding a gorgeous woman or a pair of God Botherers.
Unfortunately it was only the bloke wanting to read the meter.
He is well used to my little ways and didn’t turn a hair at this sight of a fine specimen of manhood. He’s a cheerful bloke and chatted away while he peered at the dials. I don’t do cheerful if I have been dragged out of a deep sleep so I grunted a couple of times and let him do his job.
After he left, there wasn’t much point in going back to bed, so I got dressed and made my morning cuppa.
The phone rang.
Maybe I should point out that the phone didn’t ring itself…. but you know all that bit.
Anyhows I answered it. It was one of those blokes wanting to fix my PC. I decided to play along.
He explained how he was from such-and-such company and that he was phoning people to fix a virus problem caused by some mythical web site. He asked if my computer was switched on. I said it was. He asked which version of Windows I was using. I said Version 13. That stumped him. He asked if I was sure. I said I was and it was version 13, commonly known as Maya. This stumped him even more.
Suddenly I had a moment of crystal clarity. Maybe it was the mug of tea kicking in, or maybe it was my first pipe of the day knocking my brain into gear, but I suddenly realised there were a lot more interesting things to do in life that wind up some fucking Pakistani. I told him that Maya is a fucking Linux system and that if he didn’t fuck off I would ram his fucking Windows up his fucking arse.
He hung up.
The place is back to its normal peace and quiet. There is a pigeon softly cooing in a tree outside and there is the distant sound of a tractor.
Peace, as it should be.
Why can’t people fucking leave me alone?