Doc
I had a visit to Doc during the week.
It’s nothing serious – just a general checkup; a sort of 10,000 mile service as it were.
Of course as soon as I walked into the surgery he came up with his usual line. “Howya Grandad! And how are you?” Naturally I replied with my usual cheerful riposte – “I’m fucking great! Why the fuck do you think I’m here?” It’s the same damned routine every time.
For those of you who haven’t met Doc before, I had better explain that he is in fact the local vet, but we all go to him as the real doctor usually isn’t sober enough to stand, let alone do an examination. Because of his training though we do have to be a little cautious. In particular I always refuse a prostate check. I have seen him up to his shoulders up a cow’s backside, and I’ll be damned if he is going to try the same on me.
Leastwise he checked my lungs [no problems at all there], my heart [still pumping], my ears [still have two] and my blood pressure [steadily rising at that stage].
He asked as usual if I still smoked the pipe. I told him to fuck off and buy his own tobacco. I’m not falling for that one again.
He suggested I give up the drink. Again, I told him to piss off. He’s only trying to worm out of all the pints he owes me.
He asked me to walk up and down the surgery a couple of times, which I did. Then he asked me to do a canter followed by a full gallop. Once again I had to remind him I’m not a fucking horse.
These visits to the Doc can be damned confusing at times.
Anyhows, to cut a long story short I’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear he has given me a reasonably clean bill of health.
He has suggested though that I take some precautionary medication.
He reckons I have early onset bovine mastitis.
*sigh*
Statins are very much in vogue with the BMA here on the big island, but only for healthy people!!
Mad cow disease more like.
” He reckons I have early onset bovine mastitis ” …
Tell him to pull the udder one Grandad .. 😉
i can’t stop giggling i have a picture in my head of you prancing
Be careful he might want to file down your horn. Very painful Heh!
Yiz are all very funny, rippin’ the piss out of a poor oul fella.
Jayzus, Slab! Did you have to write that? It has brought a tear to my eye even thinking about it.
Sorry GD, you had to be warned, God knows what other proceedures there might be on your charts.
You’ll be ok GD – you can be evaluated using alpha 1-antitrypsin, N-acetyl-beta-D-glucosaminidase (NAGase), plasmin and somatic cell counting for monitoring the inflammatory process. Now doesn’t that deserve a huge big blaspheme?? The doc must be related to our GP when I was a young lad. He was from the Emerald land – a real character. Dead now, obviously … mmm
The medical crowd have all these four and five syllable words for everything. My brother used to tell me, “If you can spell it, you have it”.
“He reckons I have early onset bovine mastitis.”
Udderly preposterous.