I watched Dragon’s Den last night.
The Irish version is now famous for having introduced us to that baldy little fuckwit Gallagher, who ran for president last year. The programme has improved immeasurably since his departure.
The Irish version is also vastly superior to the British version for the simple reason that it doesn’t have that cunt Duncan “all smokers are paedophiles” Bannatyne on it.
Where was I?
Last night they had the usual clatter of inventions that were so useless that you would wonder why their inventor actually invented them, let alone think that anyone would want them. Some of the inventions were distinctly on the weird side of normality and one even got backing – a greetings card that photographs you as you open it. That really is just what the world needs. How did we survive without it?
There was one invention though that made me very very sad.
A bloke came on. He was well dressed and well spoken and could well have been a doctor. He had that look about him. He introduced his invention – a yoke for cleaning golf balls.
Now naturally the concept of a ball cleaner led to a rake of sniggers and puerile jokes which considerably raised the tone of the programme, but it was the blokes pitch that perked my interest.
He reckons that golf courses are mightily unhealthy places. People actually walk on the grass, you see, and we don’t know what those people might have walked in before they walked on the grass. And then there are the pesticides and other nasties that float around lawns and golf courses. Every time your ball lands on this festering bed of danger it becomes contaminated. This bloke was actually declaring that golf balls are a MAJOR health hazard and his device enables us to clean our balls [stop sniggering down the back!] and disinfect them without actually touching them.
He was laughed out of it, of course. Several of the panel commented that they didn’t think there was much of a health hazard involved.
It saddened me though that this bloke was a fairly typical member of a society that now regards just about everything as a major health hazard. This Risk Averse society now looks at everything as potentially damaging to our health. It cannot enjoy itself until it has convinced itself that everything is safe and risk free.
I grew up in a world where Elf and Safety hadn’t been invented, or if it had, it was being damned quiet about it. We played in the dirt, and we got dirty. For example, if a marble rolled into a pile of dog-shit, we would wipe the marble on our sleeves and carry on playing. As a result of this we grew up with good strong healthy immune systems. We didn’t bother our arses with safety helmets, or elbow padding or knee guards. We just learned the hard way not to fall off whatever it was that we were on.
I felt sorry for that bloke on the Den. How could he possibly enjoy life where everything has to be assessed as a potential threat? He must be a right barrel of laughs?
Just to be on the safe side though, I suppose I had better go and check my balls to make sure they are clean?
One can’t be too careful?
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