I don’t know what people generally think is the world’s most difficult job.
Deep sea diver on an oil rig?
Shagging Angela Merkel?
Cleaning out bedpans in an Old Folks Home?
Well, I can tell you definitively that they all pale into insignificance compared to the real world’s most difficult job.
Giving a dog a tablet.
Sandy is on a wee regime of tablets at the moment. They are tiny little fuckers and just to make life easier for me, I have to give her a half in the morning and the other half at night. I remember from somewhere that the atom was originally defined as the level at which a substance could no longer be divided without losing its identity, or something like that. Well, I am therefore feeding Sandy half-atoms.
The usual method of giving a dog a tablet is to open their mouth, pop the pill down the back of the throat and then hold their muzzle closed until they swallow. Hah!
I tried that. I end up with my hand firmly clamped around Sandy’s muzzle and I stand there as she stares back at me. After what seems like hours and several swallows, I let go. Sandy immediately goes pfoot and the pill pops out onto the floor. The little waggon has learned to slip the pill under her tongue so she can swallow without ingesting.
Another way is to drop the pill into her dinner and hope for the best. But our Sandy has her own ideas about food. If she isn’t hungry, she just won’t eat, no matter how enticing and obnoxious smelling her dinner is. She eats in her own time and that is the law.
I have had to reduce myself to the level of dog entertainer. I get one of the lumps of gravy covered lumps of meat out of one of her tins. Using two forks [because I’m not going to handle the evil smelling stuff] I have to carefully make a tiny incision and manoeuvre the half tablet into the resulting slot. I then have to act the Mick to get Sandy’s interest. It’s a bit like feeding a reluctant baby. So I make an arse of myself pretending to eat the fucking thing and making loud yummy noises [which I suppose is a bit superfluous as she is deaf]. In the end she takes pity on me and swallows the chunk whole, complete with tablet.
I have to go through this routine twice a day and it is wearing me out.
I suppose it could be worse though?
They could have given me the medication in the form of an enema?