Dear Advertisers,

I have probably written to you on this subject before as it is something close to my heart.  If I did, you chose to ignore my message which is not a good thing for either of us.  If I didn’t then here are a few tips for you to improve your sales and for me to retain my sanity.

If you are trying to sell perfume or cosmetics then don’t show sexy young things.  It is false advertising.  I know because I tried one of the products on Herself once and she still looked the same after.  That was Not Good.

What is it with you lot and cartoons or animations?  Just because you have done a night course in computer animation doesn’t mean you have to use it.  Trying to sell to an adult by using cute cartoon characters or talking animals is condescending and doesn’t work.  After a few years of babysitting the Grandchildren, I am off cartoons for life.  And sticking a pair of arms and legs on your product is not cute nor funny and is guaranteed to make me avoid that product for life.  In particular I find those characters with long pointy noses very irritating and faintly nauseous.

Why do you insist on using the expression “must have”?  Only I know what I must have and you have fuck all chance of convincing me otherwise.  The same goes for “perfect day”.  Chances are my perfect day will not include any of the shit you are trying to convince me to buy.  So fuck off with those two expressions.  Capiche?

Trying to sell a chat line by showing a slapper in her underwear and rubbing her tits is more than misleading.  I know that I am more likely to end up chatting to some pox ridden skanger in Tallaght who is just trying to supplement her Unemployment Benefit.  I appreciate that showing some middle aged bag wearing trainers and a dirty tracksuit is unlikely to promote your product, but that’s your problem and not mine.

I do not understand this obsession with America.  Am I really supposed to be so in awe of all things American that I will buy something because you film the advertisement in New York or stick “American style” onto the product?  You once showed an advertisement that showed a tosser swimming the Atlantic to enjoy a pint in a New York pub.  It put me off Guinness for nearly a week, it was so fucking ridiculous.

I am not in the habit of driving along Alpine roads.  If you are trying to sell me a car, at least have the decency to show it being driven on potholed roads or stuck in a permanent traffic jam.  Even better, show it in a car park being battered to death by supermarket trollies.

These are just a few pointers.  I would ask you to take heed and then maybe – just maybe – I might show a passing interest in your products.

Alternatively you can all bugger off and leave me in peace.

Now that would be a “perfect day”.

Yours etc,

Grandad