Another financial crisis
I have a bank account with Ulster Bank.
While offshore accounts have their advantages, I need a local account for such mundane things as paying bills, and Ulster suits my purposes.
I have had a reasonably good relationship with them for the thirty or so years I have been with them, apart from one period when I had a right little cunt of a manager, but that’s another story and he is long gone now.
I received a letter from them a couple of weeks ago. My Mastercard apparently has lost its Triple A rating. I don’t know if it was Standard and Poors or Moody’s that downgraded me but I was flattered to think I was up there with the worst. Leastwise I could now only overdraw to €500. That didn’t bother me as I rarely use the card and pay it off each month. I only really use it for Interweb transactions.
I got a letter from them yesterday.
Please contact my office urgently at 01 7025257 to discuss your account.
Fair enough. It was urgent so after I got up this morning, I only had a couple of mugs of tea before phoning them. Urgent does after all mean urgent.
I dialled the number. I got one of those horrendous systems where a recorded voice tries to steer me through a fucking “Press 1 for whatever” system. One of the first things she wanted to know was my card number. Have you ever tried typing a credit card number into a phone keypad? It’s not easy and on the fifth attempt I got through. More menu options. Fuck!
To cut a long story short, I went thorough all the options that might possibly lead to a chat with a bit of flesh and blood, but there was no way the system was going to allow that. I hung up.
That word “urgent” was still at the forefront of my mind so I phoned the number on the letterhead. I was asked by a recorded voice to hold until someone was available. Fair enough. I waited. Then it started rabbiting on about “if you talk to one of our representatives the call may be recorded”. If? What do they mean – if? It transpired that they weren’t kidding. They hung up on me before I could get to speak to anyone.
So…..
If there is anyone out there from Ulster Bank, could you please contact my office urgently?
At least I will have the courtesy to abuse you in person.
class sheer class , u never fail to bring a slime to my face ;D
I have the same trouble. I try to use Skype to avoid creating a phone bill the size of the national debt but you can’t dial numbers. Fortunately I used to have a business bank manager so I just call his private line in if I can’t solve the problem any other way.
Incidentally I often find that if (when phoning a company with one of those lines) I just ignore all instructions to press a number I actually get a real person! Presumably to allow for people who don’t have digital phones.
“Friendly” banks??!!
They are all the same.
Your example is one of many. I am scared because of the gross incompetence of the people who manage financial corporations.
trick as meltemian says is, dont’ touch a button…eventually they come on the line though i’ve managed to ready, cook then eat an entire meal before the line is picked up but it will happen
Welcome, Wrf! I hope you don’t mind, but I have added your comment to my Testimonials Page?
Meltemian – I thought you could dial numbers in Skype? And I did try pressing random numbers, but it just kept telling me it couldn’t understand what I was trying to say. Bastards.
Mossy – Friendly? I never said that. When I said that I had a reasonably good relationship with them I meant that there wasn’t that much blood spilled.
Ramrod – Unfortunately, the only other alternative is to bank in my mattress, and if the local knackers got wind of that…………..
Cat – I may whack back a few Prozac and try that route. I’m a bit pissed off at them though. When they say “contact the office” I do not expect to end up talking to a fucking computer. After all, I can do that at home.
The trouble is that if you don’t contact them, they may freeze your card and you’ll be in the middle of buying something and find the card rejected.
I used my card for a string of French motorway tolls in September – lots of sums like €1.60 and €2.20 driving up and down around Biarritz and they said there had been irregular payments. Mercifully, I got through to them before they froze it – a lady in the town who has no bank account asked if she might use my card to pay for tickets to Australia and it would have been very embarrassing if the card had been rejected (she called around with cash from her credit union account to pay the fares – €2,470 in banknotes)
Ian – I finally managed to get through to a real live human [or if it was a computer it was remarkably responsive]. She checked my account – absolutely nothing wrong with it. She hadn’t a clue why I had received the letter. Leastwise the latter has been binned.
Never telephone the bastards. If they have your account then they also have your personal details and can, if required, telephone you. If I get such worded communications I reply by letter and send it by recorded delivery. It has never failed to cause consternation amongst the dim witted twats.
grandad, feel free to use anything i post in yr testimonials, cracking blog ;D
Toper – You know the way the banks work…. Whether I don’t phone them or they don’t phone me it will be my fault. And I’m damned if I am going to waste a stamp on them. Bastards.
Wrf – Thanks! It’s already there! 😉
You had to type your credit card number into the phone?
The bank don’t know why you got the letter?
Have you just been scammed?
Funny that, GD. I used to be with Ulster Bank too. I got that little cunt of a manager also. We, lets say disagreed with the banks latest policy (long story with expletives) and I became a ‘Revolting Customer’. I’m with The TSB since. Service is not much better either. Its impossible to get a Human on the blower, they want everthing on the interweb.
I had on of their female Humans call me yesterday asking if I’d like to partake in a Customer Service Survey. I replied, ‘beep! If you wish to speak to the Customer, press 1, if you wish to wait for twenty fucking minutes, press 2, if you wish to ring me later, press 3, if you want any more of my money, press the end call button and fuck off,’ silence then, beep, beep, beep, beep.
I think she got the point.
After years of being messed around by various normal banks I switched to one that does it all on the phone (or online) and it’s been happiness ever since (er… apart from money shortages, but that’s not their fault).
They muct have gunmen (or women) stalking their call centres threatening to shoot any member of staff who doesn’t sound friendly – cos they always are. Odd. Rare. Nice too.
I won’t name them, cos presumably you charge for advertising.
Aha! I have never spoken to anyone in my offshore account. All done by electronics. And electronics are never rude!!