I have a bank account with Ulster Bank.
While offshore accounts have their advantages, I need a local account for such mundane things as paying bills, and Ulster suits my purposes.
I have had a reasonably good relationship with them for the thirty or so years I have been with them, apart from one period when I had a right little cunt of a manager, but that’s another story and he is long gone now.
I received a letter from them a couple of weeks ago. My Mastercard apparently has lost its Triple A rating. I don’t know if it was Standard and Poors or Moody’s that downgraded me but I was flattered to think I was up there with the worst. Leastwise I could now only overdraw to €500. That didn’t bother me as I rarely use the card and pay it off each month. I only really use it for Interweb transactions.
I got a letter from them yesterday.
Please contact my office urgently at 01 7025257 to discuss your account.
Fair enough. It was urgent so after I got up this morning, I only had a couple of mugs of tea before phoning them. Urgent does after all mean urgent.
I dialled the number. I got one of those horrendous systems where a recorded voice tries to steer me through a fucking “Press 1 for whatever” system. One of the first things she wanted to know was my card number. Have you ever tried typing a credit card number into a phone keypad? It’s not easy and on the fifth attempt I got through. More menu options. Fuck!
To cut a long story short, I went thorough all the options that might possibly lead to a chat with a bit of flesh and blood, but there was no way the system was going to allow that. I hung up.
That word “urgent” was still at the forefront of my mind so I phoned the number on the letterhead. I was asked by a recorded voice to hold until someone was available. Fair enough. I waited. Then it started rabbiting on about “if you talk to one of our representatives the call may be recorded”. If? What do they mean – if? It transpired that they weren’t kidding. They hung up on me before I could get to speak to anyone.
If there is anyone out there from Ulster Bank, could you please contact my office urgently?
At least I will have the courtesy to abuse you in person.