I do not like telephones.
I have what you might call a hate-hate relationship with them.
My first memory of a telephone was of a black Bakelite thing that hung on a bracket in the hall. It had one of those twirly dials that cut the finger off you if it was a long number. The only good thing about that phone was that if the caller was boring, you could idly pass the time by untwisting and unknotting the cord to the hand piece.
Nowadays they are all cordless and mobile so I keep losing the fucking things.
Apart from losing them, I find that they are constantly needing recharging which is a bit of a bugger. I normally leave the main phone charging in the junk room where no one can hear it, or else I bring it out to the living room where it promptly discharges, gets lost and ignores all incoming calls, which suits me down to the ground. My mobile is a simpler matter – I have discovered that switching it off stops the battery discharging, so that’s the way I leave it. Unfortunately when I want to use it I can never find it and there is no point in ringing it from the other phone as it’s switched off.
I had to make a few phone calls yesterday and today. As luck would have it, the calls were all to State and Semi-state organisations. Of course this involved using their fucking menu systems which drive me mad. Each one is a five Prozac job.
The last call was a ten Prozac one. I dialled the number and immediately this female with an oh-so-cheery-chirpy voice came on to welcome me to the company. Then we had the obligatory warning that “all calls are recorded and may be used for training purposes”. Why they can’t just warn us to watch our fucking language is beyond me. Next she announced that their menu system had changed [why I don’t know, as I don’t know what their old system was like], and that I was to listen to the entire menu before making my choice.
The very first option was the one I wanted so I pressed “1”. I swear to fuck she sighed at me. There was a pause and then she ignored my attempts and continued the whole fucking way through the menu. Then she asked me to make my choice. I pressed “1” again and the whore then started off on another series of fucking options. It is really no wonder they have that implied “watch your fucking language” notice at the beginning.
I swear if all companies ditched their fucking menu shit and employed real people it would make the world a better place to live in.
And we’d employ half the unemployed.