Some time ago, I had an idea.
The idea was entirely original, but some of you may say you have seen it in print somewhere. If you have seen it, it’s because some steaming cunt keeps robbing my ideas just before I think of them, which is not only unethical but is a blatant breach of intellectual copyright.
Plagiarism, I call it, and I wish the fucker would stop doing it.
That’s not what I am scribbling about today.
No. What I am talking about is the theory that the Elf and Safety mob, in conjunction with the Nanny State are making our world one hell of a dangerous place in which to live.
“But,” I hear you cry, “isn’t the Nanny State there to protect us from ourselves? All those nice laws are there so Little Diddums doesn’t stab his fucking toe or get a little scratch. Don’t we all wear steel helmets and steel capped boots and wear our safety belts and don’t we drive slower than a fucking snail and don’t cyclists have to wear stupid looking bunches of fucking bananas on their heads? How could any of that possibly be dangerous?”
I’ll tell you how it is not only dangerous, it is potentially fucking lethal. I have the notches on my car bumper to prove it.
It’s like this. I’m driving along minding my own business and I see old Granny O’Grady cycling down the the shops. She is wearing a heavy overcoat and is sweating like a pig [though she usually does that anyway], but the point is that she doesn’t wear a bunch of bananas on her head. She obviously has more pride that some of the Lycia clad wankers I have seen. Now I don’t want to hurt Granny so I give her a wide berth and a cheerful beep on the horn [which usually causes her to fall off, but that’s not my fault]. On the other hand, if I see the aforementioned wanker with his shiny Lycra arse and his bunch of bananas, my immediate reaction is that he is very well protected, so I don’t need to give him a wide berth. In fact more often than not, he’ll end up wrapped around my nearside headlight.
So do you see my point? By wrapping someone in cotton wool, we have the perception that they can’t be harmed, and therefore the chances of them being harmed increases enormously. I would call that an Eureka Moment if ever..
I ran some tests using myself as a guinea pig. I went for a drive around the county and didn’t bother with my seat belt. It was a pleasant if tediously uneventful journey. I then drove the same route only this time I wore my belt. I did the journey in half the time and only caused four major accidents [though only one was fatal]. This proved my point – I drove faster and slightly less carefully because I perceived myself to be safer.
The solution is incredibly simple. Get rid of the Nanny State. Lampposts and piano wire come to mind. We will all start treating each other with a little more care because we will think everyone is more vulnerable. Less cyclists will be hurt [I confess I will miss that bit]. Paddy Murphy will stop dropping monkey wrenches off the fourth floor scaffolding, trying to hit the hard hats below, because there won’t be any hard hats.
We will all live in a much safer world.
Do you know what?
It will be just like The Good Old Days