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An Open Letter

Head Rambles Posted on by

Dear Advertising “Executives”,

I have complained about you a few times in the past, but I think the time has come for a face-to-face.  I am writing to clarify a few points with you in order that you can continue to make reasonable advertisements and I can retain what little sanity I have left.

That advertisement with the hilarious joke does not work.  It may have been a riot when you were making your presentation to the client, but a joke repeated ad nauseum is not funny.

Cute little talking animals, fluffy bunnies, meercats and talking dogs are for children.  Got that? If your target audience is in the five to eight year range, then that’s fine, but I’m in my sixties and I’m not in my second fucking childhood.  Yet.

The same goes for the overuse of primary colours.

Advertising a massive couch that has been reduced in price from €4,000 to €50 is all very well but it would cost an extra €100,000 to build an extension to take the fucking thing.  Do you people never think things out?

Computer generated graphics are old hat.  OK, so you can draw fancy lights all over the screen.  So what?  I’m not impressed.

When advertising cars, could you please show them being driven in a ten mile tailback on the M50 where they are most likely to end up.  Not all of us are in the habit of driving on twisty roads in the Alps.  And while I am on the subject, stop trying to flog cars on the basis that they will turn heads.  We don’t all have small dicks and most couldn’t give a raw shite what the next door neighbour thinks.

Where did you get the idea that sticking some z-listed “celebrity” on the screen is going to impress me?  I haven’t a clue who most of them are so that trick doesn’t work.  Now I have heard of Craig Doyle.  I don’t know what his claim to fame is, but get him off my fucking screen.  I am sick of the sight of him.

Do you really think women are so shallow and fickle that they swoon over the smell of someone’s front room, or are gagging to know how their bestest pal keeps her figure?  On second thoughts, you might be right there.  Forget I mentioned that one.

Stop trying to sell me something that I am already stuck with.  Promoting electricity is a bit pointless as I have to be using the fucking stuff to run the television.  You really don’t think things out do you?

Where in the name of all that’s holy did you get the idea that we are all so fucking impressed with America?  I am utterly baffled as to why you think that an Irish product should be sold to Irish people using American accents or locations.  In particular, when it comes to cosmetics, you seem to go out of your way to find the female with the harshest, most nasal, most irritating American accent on the fucking planet.

I will leave you with that little list for the moment.  I’m sure I can come up with a few dozen extra pointers and will be in touch again.

If you take heed of the above, I’m sure you will make better advertisements, and I won’t smash up so many televisions.

Yours in hope,

Grandad

 

Comments

An Open Letter — 12 Comments

  1. I don’t have a television, but I do have a telephone.   The thing that annows me are the companies who ring just I have sat down for a meal, or when I am reading. (or at any other time)
    I go to the phone and (sometimes) there is a woman who speaks at 100km/hour giving her name (ficticious); her Company name and starts her ‘speel’.    I wait until she has finished before asking her for her name.  Usuall I have to ask 3 or 4 times before she speaks sufficiently slowly for me to understand (I can act very dense – sometimes I am not acting).
    I then ask her for the name of her company.   Same thing – 3 or 4 attempts before I can understand what she says.
    Very slowly I say, ” Merci, Madame X.  I have no need of the products or services of the company that you represent.   I hope that I have pissed you off as much as you have pissed me off.  Bonjour.”

  2. Hah!  If it weren’t for Herself I probably wouldn’t have a television either.  Nuisance calls on the telephone are at epidemic levels here.  In the space of one hour yesterday I got twelve calls, all showing ‘unknown number’ and probably all hanging up as soon as I answer.  I say probably, because I didn’t bother answering any of them.  If ever I do answer and there is someone there, I usually tell them to hold on while I get my dad.  It’s strange how lacking in patience they are, when they wouldn’t even hold on for half an hour?

  3. It’s gotten (good word that) so bad here that I now screen all calls. Cable and phone company are the same so the caller ID comes up on the TV. I don’t even have to get up off my fat lazy butt to ignore a call.

  4. Here in the states we get the Brit’s and Aussie’s in our ads.  Wanna trade? 

  8. Oldspook – Welcome to my humble shores..  Nah!  You can keep ’em.  Are we all supposed to believe that the grass is greener in other countries, or what?  Fucking morons,

    Slab – Good advertisements are rarer than virgins these days.  Both those are good, but if I were forced to sit and watch each one twenty times……… ?

  9. Yep GD, once is enough. I do think more than twenty times with the Virgins would be better though.

  11. Craig Doyle… So that’s what he’s up to these days. Doing window adverts over here.
    To think that not long ago he was coming over all superior to William Shatner.

  12. Telephone call today:

    “Hello could I speak to the person paying the phone bill please?”
    “No, he’s not here!”
    “When will be be back?”
    “He won’t, he’s in jail!”
    “What’s he in jail for?”
    “Not paying his fuckin phone bill!”

    …………… click

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