Dear Advertising “Executives”,
I have complained about you a few times in the past, but I think the time has come for a face-to-face. I am writing to clarify a few points with you in order that you can continue to make reasonable advertisements and I can retain what little sanity I have left.
That advertisement with the hilarious joke does not work. It may have been a riot when you were making your presentation to the client, but a joke repeated ad nauseum is not funny.
Cute little talking animals, fluffy bunnies, meercats and talking dogs are for children. Got that? If your target audience is in the five to eight year range, then that’s fine, but I’m in my sixties and I’m not in my second fucking childhood. Yet.
The same goes for the overuse of primary colours.
Advertising a massive couch that has been reduced in price from €4,000 to €50 is all very well but it would cost an extra €100,000 to build an extension to take the fucking thing. Do you people never think things out?
Computer generated graphics are old hat. OK, so you can draw fancy lights all over the screen. So what? I’m not impressed.
When advertising cars, could you please show them being driven in a ten mile tailback on the M50 where they are most likely to end up. Not all of us are in the habit of driving on twisty roads in the Alps. And while I am on the subject, stop trying to flog cars on the basis that they will turn heads. We don’t all have small dicks and most couldn’t give a raw shite what the next door neighbour thinks.
Where did you get the idea that sticking some z-listed “celebrity” on the screen is going to impress me? I haven’t a clue who most of them are so that trick doesn’t work. Now I have heard of Craig Doyle. I don’t know what his claim to fame is, but get him off my fucking screen. I am sick of the sight of him.
Do you really think women are so shallow and fickle that they swoon over the smell of someone’s front room, or are gagging to know how their bestest pal keeps her figure? On second thoughts, you might be right there. Forget I mentioned that one.
Stop trying to sell me something that I am already stuck with. Promoting electricity is a bit pointless as I have to be using the fucking stuff to run the television. You really don’t think things out do you?
Where in the name of all that’s holy did you get the idea that we are all so fucking impressed with America? I am utterly baffled as to why you think that an Irish product should be sold to Irish people using American accents or locations. In particular, when it comes to cosmetics, you seem to go out of your way to find the female with the harshest, most nasal, most irritating American accent on the fucking planet.
I will leave you with that little list for the moment. I’m sure I can come up with a few dozen extra pointers and will be in touch again.
If you take heed of the above, I’m sure you will make better advertisements, and I won’t smash up so many televisions.
Yours in hope,