I had a very nasty accident last night.
I was sitting there, minding my own business, flicking through the television channels as there was fuck all of interest on. I accidentally flicked through the X-Factor, and Herself gave a little squeal and asked me to stick with that programme.
I watched it for a while. After all, I had to see a bit of the programme that reputedly is the sole reason the Irish haven’t started a rebellion against our Glorious Gubmint. I lived to regret that decision however. The programme had the same fascination as a particularly nasty car crash. It was one of the worst programmes I have seen in a very long time.
The lowlight [as distinct from the highlight] had to be that little prick Walsh. Now there is a face I could definitely never get tired of kicking. There was little to chose between himself and Cowell, as they were both insufferable pricks, but I think Walsh wins by a narrow margin.
Then there was the audience. Most of the time they sounded like a herd of pigs in a slaughter-house. Jayzus but the noise out of them was painful. What the fuck is it about modern youth that they have to be so fucking noisy all the time? There was just a constant background of squeals and whistles that would give you a worse headache than a guillotine.
The contestants were pretty dire too. To be honest, most of them sounded like they were singing karaoke down at the local pub. Herself apparently had heard about some Irish Wan called Mary and wanted to hear what she was like. When she finally made an appearance on stage she proceeded to sing way off key. I have a sensitive ear when it comes to discords, and my ears were not happy bunnies. At last, I thought, that Walsh prick is going to have to tell Mary the honest truth, but no – he raved about her singing as if she were the new Maria Callas.
I then had a quasi-religious moment, something like a vision on the road to Damascus. Walsh must be deaf. There was no other answer.
How else would you explain his strange belief that Jedward have talent?