How to order a Guinness — 29 Comments

  1. You forgot one of the most important things:
    Never, ever, ever under any  circumstances, ever, ever allow anyone lop the head off with a knife. Spills down the side are perfectly acceptable as neatly illustrated in the last photograph.

  2. Grandad
    You forgot that you should leave any bar that draws a shamrock on the top of the pint. Its disrespectful to the pint and just plain wrong. No self respecting Irish man would drink in such a place.

  3. Robert – Very true.  A knife and Guinness do not mix.  While it’s bad enough when they scrape the head off, what really pisses me is when they fucking dig into the pint with a knife and scoop the head off.  Fucking amateurs.

    Welcome Morris!  That was for the benefit of my readers who can’t read.

    Welcome Belfast Taxi Driver also!  I could not agree more.  I hate those shamrocks.  The top of a pint should be like a pristine snowfall – clean, smooth and white [well, cream].  If you want to draw your own pictures in it later, that’s your business and not he barman’s.

  4. ” …  have a cigarette ..”

    And which Bar would that be in then Grandad ? … 😉

  5. My local.  Oh shit!  We aren’t supposed to mention that in public.  Forget I said that….

  6. Mentioned what ?

    Never heard a thing .. must get round to trimming the hairs in my lugs again .. 🙂

  7. Question from a dumb American: is there a *good* Irish stout? I’ve had Guinness and it doesn’t hold a candle to some of the good stouts I’ve had (Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout, Old Rasputin, Left Hand Milk Stout, etc.).

  8. Why the Irish take such pride in this beer is beyond me.  There are so many better dry stouts out there, but Guinness and their marketing team have somehow manufactured an aura of desirability around this beer.  It’s a decent beer, sure.  But it’s not God’s gift to man.
    By the way, smoking a cigarette before you drink a subtly-flavor beer like Guinness is pretty stupid if you’re trying for the “perfect” pint.

  9. Finally, pour the black keg pasteurised piss down the drain and go and buy a pint of good cask conditioned ale from a pub across the sea. Maybe they have real ale in Ireland? Check with CAMRA.

  10. Welcome Louis and Mike.  The first thing I would ask the pair of you is have you ever tried Guinness in Ireland?  I believe the stuff they serve abroad is nothing like the real thing.  Certainly my own experiences outside Ireland have tended to bear that out.

    Personally I wouldn’t touch a cigarette before a pint.  Hate cigarettes.  Now a pipe is a different matter altogether.  That compliments a pint very nicely.

  11. TT – I agree that the casked stuff they sell in the UK is good stuff, but I have always been a stout person [drink-wise, not in stature!].  And the black pasteurised piss is the stuff we sell to America,  😉

  12. I have had Guiness in Ireland — in Dublin and Killarney to be specific.  It’s a good, but not great, beer.  Guinness actually makes a few other beers — namely their Extra Stout and their Foreign Extra Stout — that are far superior to the standard Guinness Draught.  And then there are all of the amazing stouts that others make.  As someone of Irish ancestry, I just wish Ireland would aspire to be more than an exporter of Guinness when it comes to beer.

  13. Love the stuff – just disappointed not to be invited to help you with the props – and, you’re right – it does taste better in the Emerald Isle (so does Murphys’, Jameson’s, every kind of Bushmills – just goes to show that on many of my visits I’ve ended up piiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssseddddddd!!! )Musht be the cmpuny which is also shpecial – we had one of our best nights ever in a pub in Dingle – still don’t know how we got back from there. 

    When last in Dublin my brother and I insisted that we visited Guinness plc – interesting  – we’re saving Jameson’s for a return match! Cardi

  14. You left out the bit  about ordering the next one before you touch the first. Well maybe one slug then get the ball rolling again.
    Oh, and don’t order a big round and leave the stout to the end. Now that IS annoying.

  15. I thought I would get my moderation cookie replanted by commenting on an old one.

    Yes, that does have sort of a double-meaning!

  16. So now, here’s a question…..I’m headed for a six-week bicycle tour of Ireland this summer, and I don’t drink (not for any moral reasons — I just don’t like the taste of alcohol) — what to do?

  17. Why would you treat someone differently just because they came from somewhere besides the place you live?

    Why would they sell the piss scrapings of their renown stout to foreign countries? That would only make people in those countries laugh and remark about how terrible and shit tasting your beer is. You’d think that you’d ship your best overseas so we could say you ready do have some quality drink.

    I’ve had this so called piss scraping Guiness and I have to say, I can’t imagine ever getting fur-tongued drunk enough to possibly enjoy that foul, bitter, disgusting sludge of a drink. I don’t know how anyone could. I’ll probably never get the opportunity to try it in a pub in Ireland either.

    The only chance I get to appreciate your beer is from what you send me. and I say it sucks, it sucks monkeyballs. No offense, but thats just my experience with it.

  18. Why would you treat someone differently just because they came from somewhere besides the place you live?”

    Why not?


  19. I’m from America, and it shames me to see the negative responses that my fellow assholes have given. Specifically, tt and Mike.
    Mark my words, if I’m ever in Ireland, I’ll be sure to follow these directions exactly as described. I love it when people take pride in their beer.

  20. Bartender moving to Ireland… I found this very helpful! Thank you! I feel I need to write one of these for America- actually, I need to write one to teach Americans how to order in America! Geesh…

  21. Makes me want a pint. Now I wont look like such a fucktard if I ever go to Ireland. But for now I gotta settle for our version

  22. Those of us here in the US who drink stouts know the proper way to order. The problem is all the piss poor bartenders here who don't know how to pour one. By the way I agree with many of the other people here in that Guinness is a good beer but not a great beer. There are way better stouts coming out of micro breweries here in the states. 

  23. I always wanted to visit Ireland and was thinking about coming for a visit. Have some Irish ancestry along with Scottish.
    Always wanted to try a Guinness  from an Irish pub and talk with the locals. Now it seems like a lot of trouble to go to a country and drink beer where a bartender has a shitty attitude.. Now I have a shitty attitude toward the bartender and have never even met him! Thank Guys you were very helpful!  LOL!

    • Generally the bar staff are well trained and well restrained.  However if you still feel nervous about it, come and have a pint or ten with me.  I'll order, you pay?  Sounds fair?

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