I used to wonder what it would be like to have nothing to do.

When I was a kid, it was dangerous to express an opinion on boredom as I would immediately be given loads of shit jobs to do around the house. I learned at a very tender age that one doesn’t mention boredom.

Later, when I joined the workforce I used to relish the idea of boredom. The idea of not having to get up in the morning seemed the ultimate in luxuries. The idea of having no timetable whatsoever seemed too good to be true.

As I advanced in years, I began to have a change of heart. Did I really fancy the idea of sitting staring out the window all day?

I began to fear retirement. I had this vision of empty days stretching off over the horizon. People say that when you retire, you should take up a hobby like golf. That’s all very well, but golf is fucking expensive, and anyway I don’t play very well. Give me a dried dog-turd on the lawn, and I can sail it off into the next parish, but somehow I never could apply those techniques to a golf-ball. I just didn’t fancy the idea of spending my twilight years searching in long wet grass for little white balls.

When I left work, over nine years ago, I feared boredom so much that I started my little company. That was a fucking disaster. The company became so fucking successful that I didn’t have a minute to myself, which was the opposite extreme.

Last year, I decided to go for broke and try the life of utter boredom. I managed get rid of all my clients, and when people approached me to do work, I told ’em to fuck off. Of course everyone thought my business had gone bust, and I didn’t bother disillusioning them. For some strange reason, people found it impossible to believe that I was shutting down a successful business simply because I wanted to try out boredom.

I have been doing nothing for over a year now. I am still waiting for the boredom to creep in. The days are flying past at a scary rate, and I just can’t believe it’s Friday again.

I have discovered that I just don’t have the time to be bored.

Doing nothing just takes up every spare minute of my day.