I don’t think anyone would argue that Ireland has gone down the toilet?
In fact we have gone down the toilet, through the sewers and the sewage farm and are well out to sea by now. And lake any waterlogged turd, we are sinking fast.
When they are not making an appalling show of themselves with their crappy advertising and their drunken interviews, our Glorious Government have finished spending our money on the banks and are now well into the grandchildren’s inheritance. Times are bleak.
So naturally I have been doing some thinking. If a ship is sinking, there is no point in standing on the sun-deck admiring the view? No. If a ship is going down, you take to the lifeboats. It’s a case of Grandads, women and children first, and may the devil take the hindmost.
But having taken to the lifeboat, where do we make landfall? England isn’t in a much better state than us. They may not have our financial problems, but they seem to be more of a police state that us, which is saying something.
France would be really nice. Beautiful scenery, not too overcrowded and the cost of living is a bit better. It is also quite close to Ireland so we wouldn’t be too remote from the grand kids. The problem with France though is that they all insist on speaking a foreign language, and I’m too old to begin learning to talk again.
Then there is America. That would be fine but for the fact that it’s full of Americans. Like the French they have tried to develop their own language but have just succeeded in bastardising the English language, and once again, I’m too old to take on the task of teaching a quarter of a billion Americans how to talk proper. Nor do I like burgers, so I think America is out of the equation.
I did think about Australia, but everyone knows that place is full of convicts and rabbits, and Sandy is to old to be chasing them [or the rabbits].
New Zealand sounds nice but it’s a fucking long way away, and I don’t know if I fancy that long a trip.
Really, what I’m looking for is a country that speaks my language, that isn’t too far from here, has a nice warm climate and that isn’t so fucking anally retentive about smoking.
Anyone any ideas?
Would you consider Nigeria?
Though not !!
You’re right Mossy. I would take it as a very bad sign that Nigerians are migrating here. Heh!
Canada? At least Montreal is more laid back about the smoking, and sure they speak French, but you can easily get by in English never knowing a word of French. Significantly fewer burgers and douchebags than the US.
Look don’t dismiss the American option so readily. Let’s face it most of your countrymen didn’t and they and their descendants seem quite happy here. We speak better and clearer English than y’all do, it’s only a seven hour flight, warm climate here in the Southland and you can smoke in the pubs. Sounds as if it fits all your requirements. You would fit in really well too. We have a shitload of loopy loops such as your good self here already. You could join the tea party or the klan or something else kooky. You would love it.
Grandad it has been a (peaceful) while since I’ve visited your blog, and I’m amazed. I used to be able to ping on your site, go wash the dishes, make the beds, empty the trash, feed the heifers & the chickens, and a few other things, come back to the computer and have it almost done loading. Now for some reason I can’t even get out of the office before it’s loaded. You have totally wrecked my schedule!
PS to tt: What are you thinking, have mercy, we can’t solve our problems as it is. To off load him on us would be the final straw. Now, Finland…
Ah but wouldn’t it be grand to dress him up as one of the little people on St Paddy’s Day. Pipe un all.
Erica – Canada would be a very strong contender but for one thing – isn’t it fucking freezing up there? A lot colder than here anyway, and Herself wouldn’t stand for that.
TT – Of course my countrymen didn’t turn their noses up at America. It was that or starve. The less fortunate chose America. As for speaking better and clearer English? Mwaaaahahahahaha!!!!! I hadn’t thought of the Klan are good though…… Hmmmmm.
Bill – Mustique? Hmm. Despite it sounding like a cheap perfume, that could have possibilities. Bit prone to hurricanes though?
Brighid – It has indeed been very peaceful. Over a month now? I am very sorry for upsetting your schedule. Would you like me to tie a large rock to the front page so it is slower to load?
TT- In response to your last crack, and I mean this caringly – would you ever fuck off!! Little people indeed!
Greece. It’s the future. Not the rioty bit, one of the islands.
They all speak English, it’s warm and everybody smokes.
They even have Guinness bur it’s a bit warm.
Buck – That sounds like a winner? Even Herself is taken with the idea [Haven’t decided whether to bring her yet…] Greece has a much stronger economy than Ireland too.
Croatia – cheap, English speaking and loads of smokers.
Don’t knock Finland too easily – I sepnt a week in Vaasa on the Gulf of Bothnia with an international crew who included three Irish lads – we found the essential Irish bar … the barman was from ……… no not Dublin – Helsinki. Don’t think the Finns would laugh at your humour – they rarely smile unless they break wind !!!!!!!!!
Truth is there are not many countries you can ‘just go there and live’ other the EU countries. South East Asia is the place to live Iv been here for 7 years after spending most of my life in the UK. Any country in this area is good Malaysia & Singapore good, English widely spoken, friendly people polite children and great shops and properties. Thailand also good and even China but of course its not easy to immigrate to these countries.
Europe is turning into a third world region thanks to the EU the cause of all your troubles.
a bit on the cold side but antarctica is interesting..l.
Ian – Aren’t most of the English speakers blokes who got left behind after a war or something? All I know about Croatia is that it never won the Eurovision Song Contest.
Cardi – Hold on now… You hardly expect me to spend the rest of my life in a place on the recommendation of a drunken week? Nor to I intend being the centre of amusement with my farting. When I fart, it is for my amusement and Herself’s annoyance.
Peacock – You are on the nail with the EU. I should have included it in my list of preferences –
NO EU COUNTRIES NEED APPLY
Dankoozy – Nippy all right, but not in the EU and no fucking anti-smokers [yet]. There are times when maybe a little bracing nip in the air is good for the soul?
We spent a self-catering holiday in Croatia, without having a word of the local language.
However, the Serbs are much more fun. I was in an English-speaking ski school group in January that included five Serbs and one Croat – the Croat was a dour person who would only join in the conversations when the Serbs spoke in English. The Serbs enjoyed beer and laughter and doing silly things to annoy the instructor.
A raft, an anchor, and a satellite connection?
How about Cavan ????
Ian : “The Serbs enjoyed beer and laughter and doing silly things to annoy the instructor.” Like a bit of ethnic cleansing ?
Costa Rica, Spanish helps, but English will do just fine. Lots of beaches, fishing, very laid back.
As for the USA you would fit in very well in Ashville, North Carolina. It is populated by a group of old hippies.
Sark http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sark might suit; it has refused to follow Guernsey in banning smoking indoors. The political system is a bit odd (only recently given up its claim to be the last feudal state in Europe) but it’s warm and English speaking (a sort of Engish speaking France).
Costa Rica? Remote possibility..
North Carolina? No fucking way. Hippies or not.
Sark? Ahhhhhh! Now there is somewhere I could be quite happy. A mere 600 people to annoy me. Privacy. Should be slightly warmer. I could very happily live with all of that. Bet they don’t have broadband though?
CountryState of Vermont is waiting to welcome you with open arms. Or at least with a greater sense of tolerance than we tend to give the usual transplant. You’d be a much more welcome for example than anyone from say, Massachusetts or Connecticut (except farmers), anywhere within 200 miles of New York City and the entire state of New Jersey.
I’ve got a small plot of land by my house I can let you have on the cheap where you can build a lovely little bungalow for you, Sandy and Herself. Lot’s of woods, good folks, characters and a river nearby for fishing and such. We have five seasons (Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Mud) and 4 out of 5 of them are pretty nice even if it is rather cold in the Winter. At least Winter is Winter around here and doesn’t putz around with it.
There’s also a beautiful 30 year-old, female type neighbor of mine who is well worth a glance (or many for that matter) who doesn’t mind being friendly. Of course a tall, beautiful, intelligent, brown haired, big brown-eyed, tight bodied neighbor isn’t really the only reason you should consider moving to another country–but it helps.
TT – the Croats have their own dark past:
Kirk M – And what is the attitude of Vermont to us smokers? Ah feckit! With a curvy neighbour, who cares? And I don’t mean you……
But would Vermont admit someone with a beard and a foreign accent?!
Try Norway. It’s not in the EU, it’s relatively close and according to the fountain of knowledge that is wikitravel most Norwegians under 60 speak English well.
Grandad – Well, the nanny state is a mostly global thing so smoking in restaurants and pubs, bars or taverns is right out but we don’t even classify cigarette smokers as some sort of criminal let alone pipe smokers. In fact pipe smokers are quite respected around here especially if you’re not adverse to smoking some of locally grown stuff occasionally.
Ian – A beard and foreign accent? That’s all we got around here. Beards and foreign accents. Even the native accent is considered pretty foreign by Outta-Staters (flat landers, tourists, etc). Vermont was originally founded by ornery old (bearded) bastards who were damn well fed up with the way things were being done down country and anywhere else for that matter. In fact, the original founder was so absolutely fed up, he pulled up stakes and walked nearly 300 miles through the mountain wilderness just to get away from so-called civilization. And ornery old (and young) bastards have been following ever since.
Grandad and company would feel right at home. Hell, you come too if you want. It’s a buyers market as far as honmes and land is concerned.
Oh, btw… we keep are population well below a million here. Tradition you know.
There’s always Afghanistan. You could find a fine goat to keep Sandy company.
As you can see from the flag ….. France for me – jumped the sinking ship last year.
It’s Friday afternoon, sun is shining and it’s warm, heading into town (Paris) tonight to watch the Irish match – tomorrow a day of ‘the sights’ (still great after a year).
I work hard, but at least something proper is done with my taxes (health care, transport, lower indirect taxes maning cheaper meals, booze and smokes) – what’s not to like?
And the French are pretty laid back about smoking ….
Tony S – I have a very strong mind to ban you from commenting. Smug bastard. [*jealous*]
How about the Channel Islands, a short boatride to France if you’re desperate for a glass of wine and escargots? A bit of sunshine too.