I don’t think anyone would argue that Ireland has gone down the toilet?
In fact we have gone down the toilet, through the sewers and the sewage farm and are well out to sea by now. And lake any waterlogged turd, we are sinking fast.
When they are not making an appalling show of themselves with their crappy advertising and their drunken interviews, our Glorious Government have finished spending our money on the banks and are now well into the grandchildren’s inheritance. Times are bleak.
So naturally I have been doing some thinking. If a ship is sinking, there is no point in standing on the sun-deck admiring the view? No. If a ship is going down, you take to the lifeboats. It’s a case of Grandads, women and children first, and may the devil take the hindmost.
But having taken to the lifeboat, where do we make landfall? England isn’t in a much better state than us. They may not have our financial problems, but they seem to be more of a police state that us, which is saying something.
France would be really nice. Beautiful scenery, not too overcrowded and the cost of living is a bit better. It is also quite close to Ireland so we wouldn’t be too remote from the grand kids. The problem with France though is that they all insist on speaking a foreign language, and I’m too old to begin learning to talk again.
Then there is America. That would be fine but for the fact that it’s full of Americans. Like the French they have tried to develop their own language but have just succeeded in bastardising the English language, and once again, I’m too old to take on the task of teaching a quarter of a billion Americans how to talk proper. Nor do I like burgers, so I think America is out of the equation.
I did think about Australia, but everyone knows that place is full of convicts and rabbits, and Sandy is to old to be chasing them [or the rabbits].
New Zealand sounds nice but it’s a fucking long way away, and I don’t know if I fancy that long a trip.
Really, what I’m looking for is a country that speaks my language, that isn’t too far from here, has a nice warm climate and that isn’t so fucking anally retentive about smoking.
Anyone any ideas?