An horrendous thing happened to me the other night, and I haven’t slept much since.
It has depressed me beyond your wildest imagination.
It started with a simple visit to the coffee shop. There were some tourists who pissed me off so I decided to send them to meet their ancestors. I nipped back to the car, and then it happened. I realised that I had left all my hunting equipment at home. I drove home as fast as I could but by the time I got back to the village the feckers had gone.
This has never happened to me before. My quarry has always ended in the quarry, and the vision of those bastards who got away will haunt me to my dying day.
I have decided it’s because I am getting old.
I knew this day would come eventually, and have already made the appropriate arrangements. I am already a member of Dignitas and have informed my solicitor that I am quite prepared to make my own choice about the date and manner of my exit from this life. The one thing I refuse to even contemplate is the vision of myself sitting in the corner of some Old Folk’s Home, dribbling, pissing and shitting myself and mumbling incoherently about the good old days. And if anyone says that is the way I am now, you can go fuck off.
My arrangement are quite comprehensive.
I already have my open ended one way tickets to Switzerland. I need two tickets, because I have to be accompanied, apparently. I have arranged a surprise trip for Herself here. She has always said she wanted to visit Switzerland. There is no point in her returning to Ireland as, in the old Celtic tradition, I shall be burning my house to the ground before I leave, so I will be booking Herself into Dignitas at the same time. Actually, rather than burning the house down, I shall be using Semtex and Nitro Glycerine as I intend to go with a bang. I had better warn the neighbours to start looking for alternative accommodation beforehand?
So there you have it.
I shall be winding this site up shortly and shall be taking my one way trip.
But there again, I have just remembered that trip to the coffee shop was after forty eight hours without sleep……
Maybe on second thoughts, I’ll postpone Switzerland for a while.
I’m off out now.
Today is the biggest day in the sporting calendar.