It is a proven scientific fact that guinea pigs serve only one purpose in life and that is to serve as guinea pigs [in scientific experiments, of course]. How else would they have got the name? Some scientist once said that he needed a guinea pig for a test, and asked what he should use, and the obvious answer came back – Guinea Pigs.
I have two guinea pigs – Minnie and Fizz. I have decided to use them As God Intended.
To carry out an experiment, one needs a goal to test, and I chose a problem that is very close to my
head stomach heart – the cure for the hangover.
I started by feeding them copious quantities of whiskey mixed with wine. After a couple of pints of this mixture [each] they were soon enjoying themselves. Minnie was trying to play Richard Clayderman [very badly] on the piano, while Fizz tried to chat up a pot plant and sing “The Old Bog Road” at the same time.
The following morning, the experiment began.
Using Fizz as a control sample [yes – I fucking know how to conduct tests] I left her moaning in the corner of her cage, threatening to kill herself and swearing off drink for life.
I started by feeding Minnie a large quantity of paracetemol. She just puked the lot up.
I then fed her a large fry-up of rashers, sausages, baked beans and fried eggs. She ate the beans all right [and farted copiously] and then pointed out that she was vegetarian. Scratch that test.
I then left various ‘mothers remedies’ lying around for Minnie to take her pick.
She ignored the Bloody Mary, the cold shower and a brisk walk.
I filmed the result and I think you will be quite surprised.
I am going to call it “The Hair of The Dog” cure.