I just love my good friend Luke Clancy.

For those of you who don’t know him, he is one of the leading lights in Ireland’s very own Third Reich – ASH.

Now why should I be so happy about someone whose stated aim is to ban all tobacco products?

The answer is simple.

By studying his methodology and the way that he obtains statistics, it makes our job in WANK [Warning Against Natural Killers] so much easier.

For example, his is vomiting forth yet again on the subject of smoking in Ireland and amongst his claims is the one that smoking kills 6,000 people a year.  What he actually claims is that “tobacco is linked with about 6,000 deaths in Ireland each year”, but in his own inimitable cute fashion, he conjures up visions of smokers coughing their lungs up until they expire.

Of course the truth is significantly different.  What he is referring to is the number of people who die each year of illnesses that are associated with smoking.  This means that a non-smoker who unfortunately dies of cancer is lumped in with those figures.  Also, he fails to mention what age they are when they die?

So, you see that makes WANK’s work so much easier.

Lately we have been carrying out some more research [using Clancy’s methodology, of course] and have come up with an incredibly startling result –

At considerable expense, we have studied over ten thousand people who lived between 1900 and 2000, and the result of our study shocked even us.  Every single person in the study walked at some stage, and now they are all dead.  There can be only one horrific conclusion to be drawn.

Walking is fatal.

Of course we are going to put considerable pressure on the government to curtail this horrific blight on society.

• Footpaths must be torn up immediately.
• A massive tax must be placed immediately on walking boots to dissuade the young from starting.
• All posters, photographs and films of people walking must be eradicated.
• Pedestrians must be treated with the utmost contempt and must be shunned by society.
• Young people must be educated and taught that walking is only for the weak willed.
• All footwear must contain a graphic image of a bunion.

So there you have it.

ASH can’t be wrong, so nor can we.

You have been warned.