It has been a while since I did one of these pages, but I have had other things on my mind.

I have, however had an anguished plea from a reader that is quite topical and may be of help to the rest of you.

This poor reader is driven demented by canvassers and wants to know what to do about them

I have a wee problem with people knocking on my door asking me to
vote for them.  Now I have been burned in the past with certain people
from certain parties promising me everything.

Dear Demented,

The problem with this problem is that there are so many solutions.

You could take the rather drastic step of moving house, and going to live on some island which is inaccessible, but that may not be to everyone’s taste.

One golden rule is to never ever get into a discussion with them on politics or policies.  They will have all their lies well rehearsed, and will only confuse you.  You cannot believe a single thing they say apart from the one thing – they want your vote.

Tactics which I have used in the past, which I have found very effective are as follows.

• When they ask if they can count on my vote, I tell them that I expect to be in prison at the time of the election, doing life for murder.  I then whip out a carving knife.  That is quite effective.
• When they ask for my number one, I piss on them, and ask them if they want my number two as well.
• When they ask for my support, I burst into hysterical laughter and tell them that’s the best joke I have heard all year.  That usually demoralises them enough to leave me alone.
• I tell them they have the wrong address.  For some reason, that always confuses them.

If all else fails, I shoot them.

I hope that is of some little help?

Grandad