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Advice

Head Rambles Posted on by

People quite often come to me for advice which is flattering.

They see me for the wise person that I am, with all those years of experience behind me.

Bertie used to phone me on a regular basis, but I didn’t like the bollix so I used to give him advice that would guarantee that he would end up in a tribunal sooner or later.

He must have given my number to Biffo, because the latter phoned me the other night.

He was a little hot under the collar about the painting business and asked me what I thought he should do.

I told him that there were two courses of action open to him.  I said that the best thing would be to have a laugh and then forget about it.  He asked what the other course would be, and I said that the worst thing he could do would be to get RTE to retract the news and to set the Guardaí on the artist.

Of course the fucking idiot got my two answers mixed up, but that’s not my fault.

I have had quite a few people phone me in the past.  I advised Saddam Hussein on the best hiding place.  I advised the Americans on where to find him.  Dubya never consulted me and look at the appalling mess he made of the world.

It has been suggested that I broaden my scope a little.

I’m sure there are some of you that have problems?  Is there something preying on your mind that you can’t ask your partner/religious adviser/doctor/psychiatrist/STD specialist?  Help is at hand.

Just Ask Grandad.

I have added a page to the site where you can write in the strictest of confidence.  There is a link at the top menu of this site, though I have to do some further work on the page yet.  No personal details will be publicised apart from your name and address.  No information will be used against you, unless I am running short of cash.

I expect there will be thousands of replies, so I can’t promise to answer them all, but I’ll have a shot at some.

I have to go now.

God is pestering me on the Red Phone again.

 

Comments

Advice — 14 Comments

  1. Oho boy. You’ve just switched on the Loony Magnet you know: here they come! (I’m looking forward to this book even more than the first, btw)

    So what’s God’s problem these days?

  2. Hmmm, I don’t know if you can be trusted with the itchy oozing rash I have. I couldn’t handle it if people read about it here.

  3. Susan – Are you casting nasturtiums at my readers? They don’t like being called Looneys [the truth ofrten hurts]. God just wanted the usual stuff – where to whack with the next earthquake, and that kind of thing.

    Maxi – Jeeeeeezus!!!! I do NOT want to handle your oozing rash, especially as I can guess where it is. I doubt anyone else does either, so you are stuck with/to it.

  4. I already get advice from the voices in head, but I’ll remember your offer just in case the medication ever makes them go away.

  6. No doubt you will be hearing from the Department of Redundancy Department telling you you’ll need a license, a tax Stamp plus two inspections annually. Its a good thing you backed off on Maxi’s rash as you may have had the Medical Society after you, and God forbid you suggest Viagra to one of the limp slacker clients you entertain.

    Indeed, if you dispense faith based bad advise you’ll get a letter from the Church demanding to see your theological credentials and asking for a piece from the collection plate…

    Me thinks you should avoid all this baloney and stick to blogging where your advice will be thoughtfully ignored and your phone wont be ringing at four in the morning.

    RWG

  7. RWG – For a start they’ll have to find me. Then they will have to get past the lads in the village, who aren’t too fond of strangers. Finally they will have to overcome the final and worst obstacle – Herself. I only show my theological credentials to my wife [or any other Fine Thing I may meet].

    Too late to give up. The problems are pouring in.

  8. That’s a brilliant brilliant idea, can’t wait to read all the problems, and see how Grandad singlehandedly solves the recession, the banking crisis, world hunger, and gets tourism going again…

  9. What’s all this? I went there to ask, “The Auld Sage”, a question and it states that comments are closed!!
    Well I guess I’ll have to ask my questions here.
    1. How far is it?
    2. When will I arrive?
    3. How did it happen?
    4. Why?
    5. When will it end?

  10. Cathy – Watch this space. Though I don’t know when I will be doing the replies….

    Brianf – If you visit the page again you will see a fucking big form to fill in. *goes away muttering about idiotic Americans*

  12. “goes away wishing the dumb Irish Guy didn’t put “COMMENTS ARE CLOSED” on the thingy he wants folks to comment on right underneath the big form to fill in. What is this guy from Scranton or something?”

  13. Frank – You want your life narrated? *goes off wondering waht the fuck he’s talking about*

    Brianf – I don’t want people to comment on that page; I want them to fill in the form. It’s strange how others are managing that technological minefield? And could you please learn to spell your name? It plays havoc with my moderation thing.

  14. How can I leave a freakin’ question in the comments when the freakin’ comments are closed? Geez Louise!
    I’d bet Grandad doesn’t even know how far is up.

    btw, it my nom and I’ll speel it anywaies I wanna.

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