I was having a lovely sleep last night for the first time in a long time.
Next thing I was woken by Sandy barking her head off as there was someone at the door.
It transpired that it was those builders again. There were four of them standing on the doorstep wanting to be let in to rip down more of Head Rambles Manor.
One of them gave me one of those hard hat things.
‘Ya have to wear this at all times,’ says he. ‘E.U. regulations. Ya also have to wear steel tipped boots and a DayGlo jacket. This is a building site ya know?’
I pondered this as I stood there on the doorstep, stark naked. Wouldn’t I look a right prat wearing a hard hat and nothing else? I told him to fuck off, and went back to bed.
‘Who was that?’ says Herself from under the duvet.
‘Those fucking builders you ordered,’ I said as I decided whether to get dressed or not.
‘I didn’t order them. You did. Make us a mug of tea.’
‘Fuck your tea. If you didn’t order them, and I didn’t order them, then who did?’
‘Dunno,’ says Herself, and she went back to sleep. Lazy bitch.
I got dressed and went out to the lads who were now out ripping up the garden.
‘Where’s the Gaffer?’ says I. I know that the Gaffer is the only person who ever knows what’s going on.
‘Dunno. Not here,’ says one of the lads as he swings a pickaxe and punctures our main sewer.
I left them wading around in shit and went back into what’s left of the house.
Herself was up and trying to make toast.
She has filled the house with blue smoke and all the smoke alarms have gone off.
What did I do to deserve all this?