We watched a film last night.
It was “Vantage Point” if anyone is interested. I enjoyed it, but this isn’t going to be one of those film reviews because your taste in films mightn’t be the same as mine.
At the end of the film, I ejected the DVD, and the television reverted back to the last channel we had been watching.
Up pops the Late Late Show.
My luck was in because The Plank was just finishing, and was doing his phone competition crap.
For those of you lucky enough not to experience The Plank, he has a competition each week where he phones some member of the public. They have to answer some question and he make a big deal about giving them a prize. You’d swear it was coming out of his own pocket.
God and his Disciples
The Plank loves it when the phone victim squeals in delight [“Ah! Is it yourself, Pat”] and his ego reaches yet uncharted heights. To this end, he tries [badly] to disguise his voice.
The phone was answered. “Is that Mary?” croaks The Plank like an asthmatic donkey.
“It is,” said the woman at the other end.
“Do you know who this is?” says The Plank, waiting for the adulation he expects.
“I do,” says the woman in a very bored voice.
The Plank was gutted at the lack of squeals, but he recovered and asked her the competition question. She answered it correctly in a tone normally reserved for a very irritating child.
“You have just won a weekend in Dublin, two tickets to the Late Late Toy Show and €10,000 spending money!! Who will you bring to the Toy Show?”
“I won’t be going to that,” answered the woman in the same unimpressed voice.
The Plank’s face fell. Someone was being given the chance to see him in the flesh, and they had turned him down. He looked like he had been bitch-slapped with a wet haddock.
He asked her to repeat her statement in the hope that his world wasn’t collapsing around his ears, but she was adamant – she was not interested in the Late Late.
In a fit of petulance worthy of a five year old, he ceremoniously withdrew the two tickets from his pocket and tore them up into little pieces.
The woman didn’t break down and beg for mercy. She wasn’t impressed at this wanton destruction of such highly prized items. She was unmoved.
The Plank asked her if she wanted the rest of the prize.
“Yes,” says she. “I’ll take the weekend and the money.”
Pat slammed the phone down. He had never heard such insolence. His gargantuan ego had taken a mighty battering. He was devastated.
He sat silent for a moment as he tried to come to terms with this shattering turn of events.
“I think it’s time for me to quit this job,” he muttered.
The clip has appeared on YouTube [And it proves my memory is nearly right]: