I have been having some problems with my SatNav.
I always bring it in the car, because I have a nice selection of music on it, and it is also very handy as a hands-free system for my phone.
Because I always knew where I am going, I always programmed in Belfast as my destination. It confused the hell out of the woman in the SatNav but she sounds very sexy when she panics.
The real trouble started whenever I was stuck at traffic lights. The bitch would shout out at the car next to me and ask for directions. Why do women always have to ask for directions? It was embarrassing because I knew where I was going but she just made me look foolish. I had to keep the windows closed at all times, which annoyed Sandy, as she likes to stick her head out sometimes and get a bit of wind in her ears.
Then the woman went into a sulk. When I switched on the SatNav, she would mutter about acquiring satellites and would ask me for my destination. I would type in ‘Belfast’ and that was it. I wouldn’t hear another peep out of her. I was back to driving in silence, apart from the Rolling Stones. This worried me a bit, as I was going to be relying on her in the near future, and was on the point of returning the unit as being faulty.
Then I had my idea.
I fired her.
I installed a bloke to give directions instead.
This was an outstanding success.
He never shouts at passing cars. He never panics. When I program in ‘Belfast’ and head south, he tries to make me turn around but very quickly acknowledges that I’m a man too, and therefore I must know what I’m doing.
I started programming in my actual destination, just to see what would happen. He is damned good. He has showed me some rather neat shortcuts. I did run into a bit of trouble the other day, when a farmer stopped me in the middle of his yard and demanded to know what I was doing there. I explained to him that the bloke was giving me directions and he was very happy about it. He told me that if it had been the woman, I would have received both barrels of the shotgun. He must have the same make of SatNav himself.
Roger and I get on very well now. I call him Roger because he sounds like a Roger. He isn’t very sexy, but he always gets me there.
I don’t know why they put a woman in a SatNav.
Everyone knows that women are fucking hopeless at navigation.