Talking to a spammer
I was in a bad mood yesterday. I was also tired, which is a dangerous combination.
I was having a quiet doze in my armchair, thinking pleasant thoughts about murdering politicians when the phone rang.
I looked at the display for the number – UNAVAILABLE.
Now that means only one thing – a cold caller. They are too damned chicken to display their numbers. But it gave me a chance to work up a nice head of steam.
I let it ring a few times and answered it.
"What?" I barked.
There was a woman on the other end of the line. Now, there are accents and there are accents. There are some Irish accents that grate on my nerves, and some English ones too. But this woman had the worst American accent I have ever heard. And her voice was like a nail being dragged across glass. She had a high screechy voice that set my nerves at breaking point.
She started into her waffle by saying that she was from ABC and DEF and that she was doing some market re……
"Oy!" I shouted.
There was a pause.
"I beg your pardon?" she screeched.
"Fuck off" I said.
There was an even longer pause.
"I just wanted to know if you could spare some time to answ…"
"I said fuck off" I said.
"…answer a few questions?" she screeched.
"I hate cold callers" I replied. I had to admire her thick skin.
"You hate what?"
"Cold callers."
"Cold callers?"
"Yes. What you are. You rang me. I never gave you permission to ring me. You are a cold caller."
There was another long pause. I thought she was going to argue the toss.
"Thank you for taking the call." she said in a far less screechy voice, and hung up.
I know she was only doing her job, but by working for whatever shower it was, she was knowingly promoting the spamming of private telephone lines.
It is spam. And it’s nice to be able to tell a spammer to fuck off.
It could have been worse. it could have been someone with a Roadwatch accent.
Bravo, Grandad. So many times I’ve wanted to do this, and I’m always too polite, like I’m scared of hurting their feelings or something. http://coffeehelps.wordpress.com/2007/10/24/british-telecon/
You’re an inspiration, you are.
Ahhhhh Grandad,
You could have had some sport and given odd answers to all the questions. Inspired by a previous post (I think it was one of yours) I answered Lyric FM and Radio 4 to every question on a recent broadcasting survey carried out by someone with a Howiya voice. It went well until she wanted to know which adverts I recognised, “Is that on Lyric?”
“No” she said, “but what about the other station you listen to”.
“Radio 4? They don’t have adverts”.
“Oh”, she said.
I felt sorry for her in the end. Maybe your response was best.
I love spam!
Fried, on toast with cheese.
I prefer to sing Beck down the phone: (in a high pitched nasal voice) “Everybody’s out to get you motherfucker”.
Bock – Believe me, a Roadwatch accent would have been a lot better!
Hails – If they try to confuse you, give it back tenfold. It’s quite easy. Tell them that you have to listen to that voice in your head before you can say anything. Tell them you only speak Latin. There are loads of ways.
Ian – That’s what I do when I’m in good form. When I’m in bad form I just tell ’em to fuck off. It’s simpler.
Brianf – I have said this many times before – You are strange.
Thrifty – Remind me never to phone you.
Worse than a Roadwatch accent? Hard to grasp that, but you wouldn’t lie, I suppose.
with spam calls I generally say “hang on, ill put you onto gemma” (gemma = the dog) , 45 minutes one call lasted, gemma was very interested in switching to “talk talk” or so it seems…
Bock – Far far worse. If I had had to listen to a few minutes of it, I would have been chewing door frames. It was one of the worst voices/accents I have heard in years. It was even worse than Andie McDowell!!
Johnie – I have heard of that one before, and it’s a good one. “Hold on, and I’ll put you on to the bill payer”, and then lock the phone in the fridge.
Yell ‘Speak up’ every time they say anything.
Well done grandad! Those pricks wreck my head.
I usually sit in silence while they get out their spiel and wait for them to hang up.
Grannymar – She would have broken every window in the house.
Darren – I was in too foul a form. I needed someone to yell at!
My missus had the great satisfaction of informing an eircom phone spammer that not only do we not like eircom, but we don’t even have a phone line. I love cable modems and VOIP. I got skype spam the other day, no Baino I don’t mean you, someone from China called Jasmine. She must be very poor as she claimed to have no clothes. Oh, Grandad, don’t phone me: There reminder done.
I usually ask them for their private home number, so I can call them at my earliest convenience…..it usually shuts them up! 🙂
Hahah . . we have a nuisance call register here so if you’re name’s on it, they leave you alone. However, charities and politicians have open slather!
Although the best one I had was Telstra (Aussie Telecom) trying to sell me their Big Pond internet . . .I am already WITH Telstra and have BigPond ADSL – wankers.
These days I just hang up.
Thrifty, get used to foreigners wanting to be your friend and love you long time on Skype. Just block ’em. Apparently, I’m very attractive to middle eastern men. Must be the armpit hair.
Grandad: I’m a bit worried about you these days, you seem to be very grumpy – all the time! And you’ve stopped using ** in your swear words!
I used to work as a market researcher making those kind of phone calls. Getting a caller like you can really ruin a persons day. It was probably some girl just out of college trying to make a living. On the other hand I’ve been on the receiving end of telesales people who were far too pushy as well. People often forget that there are other people on the end of those phone lines.
If you don’t want to participate in a survey the thing to do is to politely say “no thanks I’m not interested”. If the person pushes you beyond that then be as abusive as you like.
Grandad wasn’t a caller. Blame the employers, not the victim.
How did I end up here? Random clicking I suppose.
Thought I’d just say hello, one old curmudgeon to another.
I have in the past pretended to be a Jehovah’s witness if caught out by a cold caller, just to get my own back and wile away 5 minutes or so. Can’t be bothered anymore – still there you go.
OK – going now – I wonder where I’ll end up.
Baino – We have a register here too, but it obviously doesn’t work, as I’m on it. As for the f*ck*ng swear words – blame K8 for that – she told me to be honest enough to use the full word and to stop hiding behind asterisks!
Sean – I have every sympathy for the people, but as Bock says they phone me. As far as I am concerned, they are no different from spam, and I have every right to treat them accordingly. They are also extremely persistent, and if I tell them I’m not interested, they have to nerve to want to know why. I had another caller last night who straight away started using my first name. I told him in no uncertain terms that I had not given him permission to be so over familiar. Even worse, he was from “Talk Talk” so I fucked him from a height and hung up on him. I have no regrets. It’s my house, my phone and my privacy he is invading and he must expect the consequences.
Daddy P – Who cares how you got here? You made it in the end, and welcome! What happens if your cold caller is a Jehovah’s witness? You are in deep trouble then?
Damn – you’re clever ……….
I had UPC (NTL) call me at 9.45 pm on my way into the cinema to tell me about some pricking offer i’ve already availed of so i asked him to hold while i paid for my popcorn, to which i slipped the phone into my jacket pocket. When i got seated in the cinema i checked my phone and he was still hanging on so i left him be, i let him enjoy the movie with me, i dunno when he hung up but i thought we had a bond . .