New soccer rules — 27 Comments

  1. Right there with you, soccer is the most dull game in the known universe. I place it below cricket on the basis that at least that game was parodied by Douglas Adams. Your suggestion is an interesting one, but lacks one crucial element – weapons. I reckon the introduction of edged weapons to the field (God knows there are probably enough of them in the stands) would spice it up no end. Someone could slice up Beckham while the pundits commented “It appears that David smiles a little wider now!”

  2. Thrifty – Weapons wouldn’t work. As it is, someone only has to come withing ten feet of a player, for him to fall to the ground in spectacular agony. If you introduced weapons, they’d all go running home to their mammies as soon as the game started.

  3. Grandad,

    Anyone who played football in a schoolyard will be familiar with two (or more games) being played on the same space. The rugby punditry is much more entertaining – a spat between Hook and McGurk always livens up a dismal performance.

  4. Thrifty got there before me 🙁

    I was going to suggest adding weapons too. And maybe some live wild predatorial animals like lions and tigers and such. Much like the Romans did.

  5. Ian – That just goes to prove that my system would work. I think they should try it.

    Robert – As I said above, the players wouldn’t go onto the field if there was any kind of threat. They would be too afraid to get their $1,000 haircuts mussed.

  6. Grandad – surely having them all run home to their mammies at the start would be a good thing? Anything to finish it off early.

    Any game that ends on a regular basis with no points being scored is obviously defective. The fact that they have to finish it off with a random-chance penalty shootout is just a tacit admission of that fact.

  7. I should have made it clear – The players would have no choice but to go out there. They should be flung out like in the movie Gladiator 🙂

  8. I really like the way this discussion is going. 🙂

    Andrew – They would all go rushing off to the courts, complaining they were being victimised [and what the fuck are courts doing dealing with sports disputes anyway?].

    Maybe there should be an incentive to score? Someone is shot at random every ten minutes, unless they score?

    Robert – I like your thinking. Threaten to take away their Botox needles if they don’t play?

  9. So, the rules so far:

    Box-cutters only, so as to inflict flesh wounds but not actually kill (except in the case of a lucky strike to the neck or femoral artery)

    Wild predators (starved for a couple of days) to be released onto the field (randomly or at set intervals?)

    Failure to take part punished by withholding of cosmetic treatments and mandatory driving of a Lada Riva while watching their Range Rover being crushed.

    Failure to score regularly to be punished by sniper fire.

    Anything else?

  10. They only get paid if they kill/cripple a member of the opposing team.

    Any player who has a wife/girlfriend with an IQ of less than 50 and/or who thinks they can sing must have their nuts smashed between two bricks.


  11. I much prefer the idea of wild animals being unleashed randomly. It would certainly make it more intersting that if they knew.

  12. This is all far too violent. Rather than knives and wild animals and snipers why not have multiple games going on at the same time and if scores are not made within a designated time frame then any and all media attention is withdrawn. No newspaper, radio, TV or blog interviews. No coverage whatsoever. I would bet then soccer game scores would start looking like basketball game scores.
    I like the idea of crunching their Land Rovers but how about giving them Trabants instead?

  13. Soccer is the very best sport in the world. That’s why the whole world plays it. Having said that, I do like your idea. It tickles me to imagine it. 22 players and three officials by the way.

  14. Robert – Yes. I like the random element. Brings in a new level of suspense.

    Brianf – Coming from yourself, that’s rich!! Too violent? From the bloke who has more guns than trousers?

    TT – Rubbish. Shooting tourists is much more fun. The sport of Kings.

    RhodesTer – Ahhh! Good old Alan Ayckbourne. I haven’t seen that one…

  15. I wasn’t going to tell you that I was involved with theater for some years, because that would explain a lot about me and I wouldn’t be such an enigma to you anymore, but we produced “How The Other Half Loves” in the nineties and it was one of the funniest plays I’d ever been involved with. It takes absolutely impeccable timing on the part of the actors to pull it off.

  16. RhodesTer – It’s on your site [somewhere]. It doesn’t stop you being an enigma though. I can imagine it being an extremely difficult play to act in, as you are at cross purposes with the other cast.

  17. Shooting tourists, eh ? Did you not say you enjoy being a tourist in France ? What’s up can’t the French shoot straight. Much like Brian I here.

  18. TT – As a fully paid up member of ITSA [Irish Tourist Shooting Association], I get free passage in all participating countries. I even get to shoot Americans in France, if I want!!

  19. I like the weapons idea but its already been done. It’s called hurling! I also like the Gladiator theme except we also get to throw in politicians and disagreeable celebrities like Twink into the gladiators arena.

  20. …. and we could have a phone in vote system like X-factor to send our selected peeps to the the mercy of the gladiators arena

  21. TT – So did we. But we preferred the British.

    Quickroute – I like the idea of a bit of violence, but I think the idea of throwing Twink in is too disgusting for words. I wouldn’t inflict that on my worst enemy. And we have enough of those damned phone in things. I hate ’em.

  22. We don’t even get any points for french tourists any more. They’re too easy. I understand that the point value of a Pommy tourist is going up due to an expected large influx of them this coming season.

  23. Erm, GAA and Hurling are the most boring games in the world.

    Team One: get ball, run up to one end of pitch, bog toe it over the bar (or hit it with your stick).

    Team Two: get ball, run up to one end of pitch, bog toe it over the bar (or hit it with your stick).

    At least in (world) football – “soccer” is a term used by Yanks and Gah Heads, you can only score if you possess the skill to beat the goalkeeper. Hoofing it over the crossbar is considered a miss.

    Oh, and it isn’t just the David Beckams of this world who play it (and are better known as celebs because of the commercial interest the most popular game in the world attracts), but kids from Sao Paulo to Soweto do so too – purely for love!

  24. Gombeen – I used the word ‘soccer’ because otherwise I’d have all those bloody Americans complaining about their form of football. You know how confused they get…

    Anyway, all games that involve chasing a ball up and down a field are boring. You have to admit though – even GAA things would be livened up a bit if they held two matches at once?

    P.S. I removed the link, because it would have been duplicated, and that would confuse people. They can still click on your name! 😉

  25. I don’t think the richest, most watched and most loved sport on the planet needs any changing. ANd it certainly won’t ask you for any suggestions.

    It would be like suggesting we change heterosexual sex to include bestiality because you find it “boring” as it is. 95% of the people on the planet love soccer and heterosexual sex. Neither is going to change, ever.

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