Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics
I was browsing the Interweb during the week and came across a nice little [?] post on EireRules.
It’s a list of ‘facts’ about Ireland.
Now I would have a problem with one or two of them.
Take for example – 4. The average Irish adult spends 3,500 euro a year on alcohol.
For God’s sake! Have they not heard about the price of drink here? That only amounts to a couple of pints a night. I bet Bertie would spend that much at one sitting. But then he can afford to.
Then there’s 7. The Irish eat 12 million cream eggs between New Years Day and Easter.
What? Where the f*ck did that come from? That’s weird.
9. 90% of married Irish men would consider having an affair while on a foreign holiday without their spouse or children.
This is surely an understatement. I would say nearer 100%. Whether they do anything about it is a different matter. And who would consider having an affair on holiday with their children? That’s disgusting.
10. The Irish buy 20 million cigarettes a day.
Hah! Up yours Harney!! And that doesn’t count pipe tobacco.
11. Experts believe that the average price of a 3-bedroom house in Dublin will rise to 250,000 by 2005.
Yiz wouldn’t get a dog kennel for that. Though prices are now dropping below the million mark, I hear.
14. The average Irish married couple has sex one and a half times a week.
How do you have sex half a time? Are they referring to solo jobs?
18. 63% of all Irish people think that corrupt politicians should be made bankrupt and then imprisoned.
Make that 99%. [The current government is the other 1%]
19. 73% of Americans are unable to locate Ireland on a map bereft of country names.
Just what I have been saying all along. Americans are thick. I know where they are though. *heh*
20. Bra sales in Ireland increased by 4 million between 1998 and 1999.
Holy sh*t! Or are they misinterpreting the budget quote about Irish tax figures that were expected to rise by 4 million?
22. Less than two percent of the Irish population have been bitten by poisonous snakes.
False. 100% The tax people are poisonous snakes.
25. Ireland has one of the lowest rates of crime against tourists in the western world.
This is brilliant news. It means the Irish Tourist Shooting Association’s propaganda campaign is working perfectly.
27. The average Irish family is made up of two parents and two point nine children.
.9 of a child? What bit is missing?
36. In 1907, Bernard Murphy legally swapped his daughter for three cows and a sheep at a Donegal market.
Damnit! I hoped they wouldn’t find out about that!
38. Almost 100% of Irish Catholic children take a pledge to stay away from alcohol until they are eighteen. Only 2% of them actually stick to it.
Yeah. Right! At the age of ten or whatever. I broke mine that night.
40. Dublin boasts one pub for every 120 head of population.
This was obviously before the smoking ban. Now it’s one pub for every 120,000 of the population.
44. An album only needs to sell 5,000 copies to top the Irish music charts.
That explains why there are so many crap bands around.
45. A book only needs to sell 3,000 copies to top the Irish best seller’s list.
Ditto – Cecelia Ahern.
47. 89% percent of the population were in favour of permanently separating Northern Ireland from the Republic.
Just pass me the chain saw…..
“36. In 1907, Bernard Murphy legally swapped his daughter for three cows and a sheep at a Donegal market.”
He fancied a change then. With inflation the way it is, I wonder how much he’d get for her now?
That would have been in the old money, the exchange rates would be different now.
Ah, Grandad. Where do you find these gems?
#9: the Irish men who would ‘consider’ an affair…you’re right. It’s certainly 100%. But when so many of them have a personal style that includes woolly jumpers with holes and 15-year-old trousers, and their best pick-up line is “Aren’t ye a fine-lookin’ gurl yerself– diz ye haff any LAND?”, we wives are content to let them give it a go…if only for the laugh while we enjoy a clean and fresh-smelling house for a week or so. (You can’t imagine how encouraging it is for us, to find an articulate and sophisticated gentleman like yourself to represent us all that wee bit better…)
#20: I suspect the rising bra sales are directly proportionate to the rising obesity statistics. What ladies can’t attain by genes they can certainly achieve by an additional four or five stone, and all that extra has to go somewhere. A good bra simply gives the extra flesh a bit of well, OOMPH. Shall we say.
#25: A low crime rate against tourists is necessary, if you want them to return one day so that you can repeatedly drive in front of their rental cars with your Massive Ferguson to slow them down to 15kph….hey, I spent a lot of money on the bloody thing, I’m going to have fun with it.
#47: I must admit to belonging to the pro-Border camp, in spite of being a Borderlander with very different feelings. ‘Cause if the Brits leave, where am I going to find a post office that will deliver a shoebox-sized parcel in under five months, and for less than a gazillion euros? Not here…
Number 46, however, is the most inspiring and marvellous news I’ve heard in months, if it’s true. It seems there’s hope for us artistic (unemployed) types yet.
Thanks for the early-morning smile!
Susan – Where do I find them? I don’t know. Where do other people find them so I can rob them?
#9: My old line of “Fancy a shag” never seemed to work very well all right. I think Irish men lack something here.
#20: Population of 3.5 million = approx 1.75 million women of whom 1 million possibly wear a bra. So suddenly in one year they buy four new bras each???? Maybe it was Mary Harney?
#25: I’m very happy about this. We certainly don’t want to discourage tourists. We need their cash before we kill ’em.
#47: I would have been in favour of the North, but they introduced the smoking ban there too. So they can go.
#46: ? Nah! If I were to go anywhere it would be France. But I’m quite happy here.
I certainly wouldn’t mind a youtube’d vid of an enraged Grandad chainsawing furiously at the ground, with befuddled northern irish borderguards spectating in the background.
liking the 3k book thing – sure you get that many hits in a day.
50. 1% of Irish people go to functions in gorilla suits. (maybe not yet, but I can see it happening)
Dalif – That can be arranged?
Flirty – I should be so lucky!!
Cathy – Whatever turns you on!!
Unfortunately the one about the map is probably true, but there are a few exceptions. I remember on a particular forum, someone had posted a pic of Europe from space. It was from one of the satellite map thingys. Anyway, I remember someone posting, “What’s that green bit there on the left?” Yeah, that was you guys 🙂
Stepford M – Don’t forget, 27% can find us! And 95% of those come over here in the summer. [22% go back alive]
Ah Grandad, only you can turn the list into a magnificent post, this is why you deserve the No. 1 spot…now if only I had thought of all those bits ‘n pieces….you inspire.
We do love our cream eggs though.
A mate of mine lives in Austria, and I usually get over once a year – Easter is a good time cos it’s bigger than Christmas over there almost.
The one thing he asks for to be brought over?
Creme eggs. Loads of them. Can’t get them over there, and he becomes an hero in Innsbruck for having them.
I’m thinking that the .9 of a child was the result of that ‘half time’ in the week.
Natalie – It’s just that I have a warped mind.
OFTR – I admire your generosity, but surely 4 million is a bit over the top?
Maureen – A weird theory, but you might be on to something there. I’ll leave it up to others to do research.
Grandad most Americans cant find North Dakota never mind Ireland, course the ones that are from there do have a head start.