The first thing a visitor will see on arrival is the inordinate amount of paint we have on our roads.

There are many places where the road has been completely painted over with lane-markings, arrows, text and other strange things. This has less to do with lane demarcation and more to do with the importer of this paint being the Minister’s brother.

Ignore road markings. They will only confuse.

The general rule in lane positioning is drive where you want to. Most people chose to drive in the outside lane or as near the centre of the road as possible.

If you are driving in the outside lane and a motorist wishes to get past you, he will flash his lights and hoot at you. Ignore him. The fact that you are doing only half the speed limit is irrelevant. He will probably pass you in the wrong lane anyway.

If you are on a multi-lane road and wish to turn off, it is perfectly acceptable to stay in the outside lane until the last conceivable moment before suddenly cutting across the other traffic and taking your exit.

If you are in a multi-lane traffic jam, and one of the other lanes starts to move, it is compulsory to switch lanes immediately. The fact that the other lane is full of cars is irrelevant. Which brings me to the most important rule of lanes –

If you wish to change lanes, then do so. Do not look in your rear-view mirror. Do not look over your shoulder. Just switch lanes. If there is a car in the space you wish to occupy, then that is his tough sh*t.

Roundabouts [or rindabytes, as the AA call them] are a feature of modern Irish roads. They are placed as frequently as possible and generally where they are not required. They are simple to navigate. All you have to do is decide which exit you wish to take, and drive there. Ignore all other cars, whether they are on the roundabout or not. They will give way as they don’t want their paint scratched.

Another aspect of Irish driving is indication. Indicators must never be used to show what you intend to do. They must only be used to show what you what you are actually doing, or what you did five miles back. If you successfully negotiate a junction, then you are entitled to be proud of the fact, and can celebrate by leaving your indicators on for the next ten miles to show other motorists how clever you are.

One last thing –

People are under the misapprehension that the rear-view mirror is to see what is on the road behind you. This is not true. It is there solely for the application of make-up, squeezing blackheads, or for generally admiring your beautiful features. It may on occasion be used to keep an eye on the children in the rear of the car as they tear each other asunder.